Surviving a toxic family w/ Grace Ellis

Youtube - https://www.youtube.com/@unfilteredfriendspodcast
IG - https://www.instagram.com/supdaily
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Podcast - https://unfilteredfriends.buzzsprout.com/

Contact Grace - https://www.instagram.com/graceydean

Transcript

[grace ellis]: 0:00

Like right now we're recording.

[Supdaily]: 0:01

It's recording right now for reals.

[grace ellis]: 0:03

Okay.

[Supdaily]: 0:04

Like not even for fakes, like

[grace ellis]: 0:06

You're

[Supdaily]: 0:06

for real,

[grace ellis]: 0:07

a dick.

[Supdaily]: 0:07

real. I know, but you like it for some reason.

[grace ellis]: 0:13

You know what? You're just a nice dick.

[Supdaily]: 0:15

And we're going to find out exactly why your standards are so low for humans in this once again, because

[grace ellis]: 0:26

shit, bars on the floor, yo.

[Supdaily]: 0:28

comparatively speaking, like most people on the planet will do better. Okay, so I'm going to do a little intro and then I'm going to... So you're not here until I say go.

[grace ellis]: 0:38

I'm definitely here,

[Supdaily]: 0:40

You're

[grace ellis]: 0:40

but

[Supdaily]: 0:40

not. Okay.

[grace ellis]: 0:42

you do you.

[Supdaily]: 0:43

I am gonna do me. Hello, unfiltered friends. Today we have our first repeat guest. Grace was on the podcast back in 2019. Her story, she's one of the few episodes from back then that I kept up, because her story is a little crazy, and a lot happened after that story went live, and a lot just keeps happening to her. Just a trigger warning for this one. We're gonna talk about all sorts of stuff pertaining to sexual assault on cancer, unfortunate family dynamics. So like if any of that stuff, I would list more, but there's too much to list. So just a heads up, this might be an intense one. But Grace has been one of my friends for many years now, and I'm so glad to talk to her again. Hello, Grace.

[grace ellis]: 1:31

What's up? You didn't say go so I wasn't sure if I should.

[Supdaily]: 1:34

You follow instructions well.

[grace ellis]: 1:36

See? I know. I'm a good listener.

[Supdaily]: 1:40

So our history is interesting.

[grace ellis]: 1:43

Mmm.

[Supdaily]: 1:43

We met how many years ago at this point? 10?

[grace ellis]: 1:46

Oh God, no way longer than that. Cause it was 10 the last time I was on this podcast.

[Supdaily]: 1:51

That was.

[grace ellis]: 1:52

So it was like 13 years ago, 14

[Supdaily]: 1:54

13

[grace ellis]: 1:54

years

[Supdaily]: 1:54

years

[grace ellis]: 1:54

ago.

[Supdaily]: 1:54

ago, we met one time at a karaoke bar while we were both with people. You were not what I would call sober.

[grace ellis]: 2:06

wouldn't call it that

[Supdaily]: 2:07

Uh,

[grace ellis]: 2:07

either.

[Supdaily]: 2:07

at the no, uh,

[grace ellis]: 2:08

I'd

[Supdaily]: 2:08

and

[grace ellis]: 2:08

call

[Supdaily]: 2:08

then,

[grace ellis]: 2:09

it drunk.

[Supdaily]: 2:10

yeah, yeah, you're really drunk. And then we just never saw each other again. Uh, even though I tried cause you were a bit, shall we say on

[grace ellis]: 2:18

Thank

[Supdaily]: 2:18

the flaky

[grace ellis]: 2:18

you.

[Supdaily]: 2:19

side. Yeah. But which we will learn that there was a lot happening then, um, to make that make sense and then you sent me a screenshot of a dating profile that you thought someone was catfishing

[grace ellis]: 2:30

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 2:30

in Denver. And I'm like, Nope, that was me. Um, and.

[grace ellis]: 2:35

It was so weird.

[Supdaily]: 2:36

I know. And you're like, let's go to lunch. And because I have some explaining to do. And then we were thickest thieves for a while there. Every time I see scooters, I think of you.

[grace ellis]: 2:49

Yeah, because we're the OG scooter gang, Scoot

[Supdaily]: 2:52

Yeah,

[grace ellis]: 2:52

Scoot.

[Supdaily]: 2:52

we would just hop on some scooters and go.

[grace ellis]: 2:54

At like 5 a.m. we would just like spritz around Denver.

[Supdaily]: 2:59

And look at butts. We looked at butts

[grace ellis]: 3:00

And

[Supdaily]: 3:01

quite a

[grace ellis]: 3:01

look

[Supdaily]: 3:01

bit.

[grace ellis]: 3:01

at a lot of butts.

[Supdaily]: 3:02

Yeah,

[grace ellis]: 3:02

We used

[Supdaily]: 3:02

butts.

[grace ellis]: 3:02

to sit at Whiskey Tango and just stare

[Supdaily]: 3:05

Oh my

[grace ellis]: 3:05

at

[Supdaily]: 3:05

God.

[grace ellis]: 3:05

butts.

[Supdaily]: 3:06

Do you know that pizza ped their place next door went out of business recently?

[grace ellis]: 3:09

No!

[Supdaily]: 3:10

I know, they had the best ranch.

[grace ellis]: 3:12

just in case pizzas. Like just in case I get drunk I need a pizza.

[Supdaily]: 3:17

Oh, it's like what just in case pizza

[grace ellis]: 3:20

Adjusting

[Supdaily]: 3:20

I don't remember.

[grace ellis]: 3:21

case speeds.

[Supdaily]: 3:22

Yeah, I just end up getting it because I know it's not just in case I will be high later and I will want some pizza.

[grace ellis]: 3:27

I will eat it.

[Supdaily]: 3:28

It's not really like a just

[grace ellis]: 3:30

Dang

[Supdaily]: 3:30

in case thing.

[grace ellis]: 3:30

it! That really sucks, I'm so sad.

[Supdaily]: 3:33

Yeah, it's okay. You live in Oregon, so it doesn't really

[grace ellis]: 3:36

Washington,

[Supdaily]: 3:36

matter.

[grace ellis]: 3:37

ya

[Supdaily]: 3:37

Washington.

[grace ellis]: 3:37

ding dong.

[Supdaily]: 3:38

I'm sorry, close enough. You're like right there.

[grace ellis]: 3:41

Yeah, no, it's definitely just right over the water.

[Supdaily]: 3:45

So your story is a bit intense and it seems to be ongoing. It just

[grace ellis]: 3:55

Yes.

[Supdaily]: 3:55

never seems to stop.

[grace ellis]: 3:58

But I mean, I just want like, I'm never gonna be, oh, this keeps happening to me. Like, I don't wanna be that person where it's like, this shit keeps happening to me. I feel like it's happening for me, and it's just making me funnier.

[Supdaily]: 4:15

You mean you cover up your trauma with humor?

[grace ellis]: 4:17

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 4:17

Yeah, okay, cuz like I'm not trying to compare anyone's trauma, but like Yours is like kind of one stacked on top of

[grace ellis]: 4:26

There's

[Supdaily]: 4:27

another.

[grace ellis]: 4:27

a lot. I mean,

[Supdaily]: 4:28

There's

[grace ellis]: 4:28

there's

[Supdaily]: 4:28

a

[grace ellis]: 4:28

a

[Supdaily]: 4:28

lot

[grace ellis]: 4:28

lot going on. It's a large sandwich. So.

[Supdaily]: 4:31

I mean, we talked about a lot that episode covered a lot.

[grace ellis]: 4:37

lot.

[Supdaily]: 4:38

And then it also changed some stuff in your family.

[grace ellis]: 4:42

It did. It shifted dynamics one way and then it shifted them back the other way. So it was a really interesting thing because like everyone kind of walked away from it really mad.

[Supdaily]: 4:56

Everybody?

[grace ellis]: 4:56

That I like and well except for my dad. But and then they like flip flopped. So like my mom was like oh I'm really proud of you. And now she's like back to like being not happy.

[Supdaily]: 5:09

Okay, well, it's like, how do we even dive into this? Well, talk about the things that we talked about in the previous episode. So how we will start with this when I was when you were 20 years old when I met you,

[grace ellis]: 5:22

Mm-hmm.

[Supdaily]: 5:22

and you were a bit flaky, because some stuff

[grace ellis]: 5:25

Mm.

[Supdaily]: 5:25

had been going on at that at that

[grace ellis]: 5:26

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 5:26

point in your life.

[grace ellis]: 5:27

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 5:28

Can you just explain what you were going through at that time?

[grace ellis]: 5:32

Yeah, I mean, I guess briefly I was, you know, running a clothing store, owned a clothing store

[Supdaily]: 5:38

which

[grace ellis]: 5:38

and

[Supdaily]: 5:38

I

[grace ellis]: 5:38

I,

[Supdaily]: 5:38

used to go

[grace ellis]: 5:39

you know,

[Supdaily]: 5:39

to.

[grace ellis]: 5:40

with all your ex-girlfriends

[Supdaily]: 5:42

Yes.

[grace ellis]: 5:43

all the time, but somehow never.

[Supdaily]: 5:46

Never.

[grace ellis]: 5:47

But here we are today. So, you know, at that moment in time I was dealing with sexual assault from my stepbrother and I was dealing with like a cheating boyfriend. I was dealing with... terrible like step-family dynamics on top of you know all that shit and also chronic chronic pain so I've been in chronic physical pain since I was like 15

[Supdaily]: 6:16

So.

[grace ellis]: 6:16

emotional pain since birth but yeah

[Supdaily]: 6:21

Let's, let's, let's start with the step brother dynamic. So

[grace ellis]: 6:24

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 6:25

when did that you so I mean, just blatantly say what he did.

[grace ellis]: 6:32

Yeah, so he assaulted me for a really long time. It started when I was 15. It started the very first time I met him. It lasted a really long time.

[Supdaily]: 6:44

How long?

[grace ellis]: 6:46

God, years. From like 15 to 18 is kind of the big window. And then when I turned, I think, 20, maybe even like a year and a half before that, it was kind of like pushed where it's like, no, we need to be a family. Like we need to like all come back together and like stop rocking the boat. You got to like put this shit aside. So I put the shit aside and then it like fucking happens again. And it's, you know, at a certain point I had to just say stop.

[Supdaily]: 7:19

Would he just like, like crawl into your room or something like that?

[grace ellis]: 7:23

Yeah, so I begged for a lock on my door, because he would come into my room in the middle of the night every night, almost every night, unless he like, unless I had a friend over, then he would try and like lure them out or like if my sister had a friend over. But it was, you know, it was every night, if not, it

[Supdaily]: 7:43

Every night.

[grace ellis]: 7:44

mostly yeah.

[Supdaily]: 7:47

And the family knew this was happening or did not know it was happening?

[grace ellis]: 7:51

So I don't, they didn't know it was happening. I think they thought that we were like really close. And then one time after this all came out, my mom, she was like, you know, I saw him in your room, but I didn't really think anything of it. So I just kind of kept walking. And that to me was like, how could you not know? And also I was 15.

[Supdaily]: 8:18

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 8:19

And he was, you know, 18. Like, doesn't matter whether or not you think we're really close. He shouldn't be in my room at all at 1 a.m.

[Supdaily]: 8:29

You legally can't consent to that stuff,

[grace ellis]: 8:32

Yeah,

[Supdaily]: 8:32

regardless.

[grace ellis]: 8:33

so.

[Supdaily]: 8:34

So I mean, but you brought it up. You said, hey, this

[grace ellis]: 8:37

I did.

[Supdaily]: 8:37

is what's happening. What was the reaction when you did?

[grace ellis]: 8:41

A lot of it was, well, did you entice this? Did you, you know, maybe you shouldn't have worn those soccer shorts. That's when I specifically remember, is maybe you shouldn't have worn those shorts. And it's just like, I should be free to, A, wherever the fuck I want,

[Supdaily]: 8:58

Right.

[grace ellis]: 8:59

and B, be safe in my own home no matter what I'm wearing. This is where I live. But yeah, most of the reaction was that, my mom did, And I kind of remember this. I remembered it differently, but I kind of have changed the way that I see it happening. At first you got him out of the house and was like, you need to go, we're gonna step away, we're gonna just figure it all out, we're gonna do some therapy, this, that and the other. And then as the year went on and it was more like, okay, we need to bring this family back together. But I told her when I was 18, so. 1920 is when they were like, no, you have to like bring this back together.

[Supdaily]: 9:44

So you didn't bring it up while it was happening during that first bout between

[grace ellis]: 9:47

No,

[Supdaily]: 9:47

15

[grace ellis]: 9:48

from

[Supdaily]: 9:48

and 18.

[grace ellis]: 9:48

15 to 18, maybe 17 and a half, 18 is when I finally came out

[Supdaily]: 9:56

So

[grace ellis]: 9:56

of the closet.

[Supdaily]: 9:57

people will hear this and some of them might think, how do you not say anything? Can you explain the mindset behind keeping it to yourself?

[grace ellis]: 10:07

fear, embarrassment, you know, you don't want to cause problems for anybody else, you know, it's already like a weird situation with like bringing step family in and

[Supdaily]: 10:21

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 10:21

you know, my mom was happy and like I didn't want to ruin that and I was scared, like I was, I was really scared, you know, to like say anything.

[Supdaily]: 10:35

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 10:35

I'm not a very big person. What if something happened? Like, I don't know.

[Supdaily]: 10:41

Because the predator was in your house,

[grace ellis]: 10:44

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 10:45

you were like, hey, if I say something, it could get worse.

[grace ellis]: 10:48

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 10:49

But you were also thinking about the happiness of your mom because

[grace ellis]: 10:52

I'm

[Supdaily]: 10:52

your mom

[grace ellis]: 10:53

mom.

[Supdaily]: 10:54

found happiness in this relationship that she was in.

[grace ellis]: 10:57

Yeah, and she deserved that.

[Supdaily]: 10:59

Because I think a lot of people don't understand, I'm a survivor, not to the same degree, obviously, we're like, you just don't wanna talk. You just don't want to talk

[grace ellis]: 11:10

No.

[Supdaily]: 11:10

about it. And especially if that person is in your house, I can't even imagine how unsafe that was for you.

[grace ellis]: 11:17

Yeah, I mean, it's a terrifying feeling to think that like, that could happen by, you know, from somebody who is supposed to be your brother, your protector. Like I always, I had a big brother, but he wasn't around a lot. So like, I always kind of wanted that back, you know? And I'm supposed to be safe. Like I, I, so like, I, I couldn't, I wanted them to think that they were providing safety,

[Supdaily]: 11:46

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 11:46

you know? and not exposing me to terror.

[Supdaily]: 11:52

Yeah, that had to have been so difficult to even exist. I mean, you talk about that your physical problems started at the same time that the

[grace ellis]: 12:04

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 12:04

assault started. Obviously, well, not obviously, but tell me about the connection between what you experienced and how it manifested itself physically.

[grace ellis]: 12:14

Yeah, so, you know, I read this book, The Body Keeps a Score, and it's the most incredible book and it basically talks about like any kind of trauma that you have felt emotionally can manifest in your body. And a lot of times with women, if you have, you know, sexual assault, it will manifest in your pelvis. And that is precisely what it has done to me. And

[Supdaily]: 12:37

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 12:37

it sends like razor blades down my... vagina every single day.

[Supdaily]: 12:43

Okay, talk. So I have become intimately aware of where all the Denver hospitals are because during our time together, like when you were here, I would get a phone call and she's in the hospital and I would have to go again

[grace ellis]: 13:01

with your punch card.

[Supdaily]: 13:02

with my punch card. I know, like, and I'll never forget the first time I had to like, I spent three hours trying to figure out which hospital that you were

[grace ellis]: 13:10

Oh,

[Supdaily]: 13:10

in.

[grace ellis]: 13:10

is that the Disney princess time?

[Supdaily]: 13:12

Yes, like, okay, let's just tell that story. So like you.

[grace ellis]: 13:16

I mean, I don't remember it a

[Supdaily]: 13:17

I

[grace ellis]: 13:17

lot

[Supdaily]: 13:17

do.

[grace ellis]: 13:18

of it. So, hit me.

[Supdaily]: 13:18

I do very vividly. I remember that I forget why I forget why you were over. And you just like wanted to go to sleep. So we went

[grace ellis]: 13:28

No,

[Supdaily]: 13:28

to sleep.

[grace ellis]: 13:29

I remember. I remember why. Because you were streaming like a 24 hour stream.

[Supdaily]: 13:34

Yes.

[grace ellis]: 13:35

And I was like, oh, I want to come over and like hang out for the last like, I don't know, four hours

[Supdaily]: 13:40

Yes.

[grace ellis]: 13:40

or whatever. And then I got there and I was like, I'm not good.

[Supdaily]: 13:44

Yeah. And like at this point, you were on a lot of drugs just to maintain normal. Can you tell people what those drugs were?

[grace ellis]: 13:51

Yeah, I was on the ketamine suppository, which had ketamine volume and morphine and then like a baclofen, which is like a tiny little muscle relaxer. And then, you know, I was on the oxy for a long time I was on like a nerve blocker basically, like

[Supdaily]: 14:10

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 14:10

it's called gabapentin and it's supposed to be for people who have like fibromyalgia or like inflamed nervous systems. And then I was, I mean, I was on like an anti-psychotic. I was on a lot of shit.

[Supdaily]: 14:24

Yeah, and you and like, if you weren't on that stuff, it seems like your whole your whole being just shuts down.

[grace ellis]: 14:32

Yeah, at that point I couldn't function and I think I was a lot of like mental also, like

[Supdaily]: 14:40

Yeah.

[grace ellis]: 14:40

like in I couldn't mentally get over the fact that I was in pain because of my mental abuse. You know what I mean? Like I just, I couldn't, it was like a vicious vicious cycle of trying to manage both of them together.

[Supdaily]: 14:55

Hmm

[grace ellis]: 14:56

Whereas like now I'm still in pain and I still have like all of these like terrible, terrible symptoms. But I feel like I've like grown a little bit and like come to terms with I can be okay mentally without like being okay physically and maybe that'll kind of help at some point, you

[Supdaily]: 15:17

Hmm

[grace ellis]: 15:17

know what I mean? Like kind of tricking my body into being like, you're good.

[Supdaily]: 15:22

Yeah. So what I remember from the story, you were at my place. We were asleep. You sat straight up like an exorcism, just sat straight up. And you were talking about Disney characters. I don't I was so confused. And I thought because I dated someone previously that had a sleep disorder, she was a sleepwalker. And I started just talking to you. like you were awake, but you were awake. You were just not there because probably because of all the the drugs that you had. And I was like, Hey, it's okay. And you laid back down. And then like maybe 20 minutes later, you sat up again and you just very clearly said, you need to call 911. And I'm like, Oh my goodness.

[grace ellis]: 16:10

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 16:11

What, what do you mean? It's like call 911. You're really calm, really matter of fact about it. Like this is what needs to happen. You need to do it. So then I call 911, they show up at my apartment and the EMTs come in and start asking if you're on any drugs. They basically trying to see if you were ODing on opiates and also trying to see if I was also doing opiates with you.

[grace ellis]: 16:35

Yeah, and I also think like looking back like maybe they were thinking like oh did he drug her?

[Supdaily]: 16:41

that but who I didn't even think about that. Yeah, that was

[grace ellis]: 16:43

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 16:43

not. So

[grace ellis]: 16:45

Right? You know what I mean? Like...

[Supdaily]: 16:47

yeah, that could have been really bad for me. But I found

[grace ellis]: 16:50

Why

[Supdaily]: 16:50

the bag

[grace ellis]: 16:50

not, sorry.

[Supdaily]: 16:50

of your drugs. I found

[grace ellis]: 16:52

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 16:52

it and what went through each one of them, they were all prescribed to you. Like you weren't abusing it. This is like, cause I can understand why it wouldn't make sense that someone

[grace ellis]: 17:01

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 17:01

would need that amount of drugs every day,

[grace ellis]: 17:03

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 17:03

you know? And we registered every single one of the little iPad, but they kept pushing me trying

[grace ellis]: 17:09

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 17:09

to get me to admit. that we were both doing drugs. And I was like, I don't know how many more times I can tell you these are what she's prescribed. I have the prescription bottles here. She needs to go to the hospital. Nobody's abusing drugs. This is what's going on. They were kind of

[grace ellis]: 17:26

Yes.

[Supdaily]: 17:26

mean about it. I understand they have a tough job, but like I can only give you the information that I have. And I have

[grace ellis]: 17:31

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 17:31

the legitimate bottles there. So then you leave, you get in the ambulance, but they don't tell me where you're going. And I run down. because I'm the only one who knows that you're going to the hospital. I had your phone. I had all of your stuff. You had none of it. So I run down, the police are there and the ambulance is there. As I approach the ambulance, it starts to drive away. I'm

[grace ellis]: 17:59

And I'm

[Supdaily]: 17:59

running.

[grace ellis]: 17:59

in the back like, help me.

[Supdaily]: 18:01

I'm running next to this ambulance. The police are watching me do it and they refuse to stop.

[grace ellis]: 18:07

Jesus Christ.

[Supdaily]: 18:09

So I immediately go back up to my apartment and I call the closest hospital. And I explain what happened and they're like, she's just not here. And I understand like due to HIPAA, there's like a lot of restrictions there, but I had the address of the place that you left from because it was my

[grace ellis]: 18:25

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 18:25

place. So that's not applicable under that. They can tell me the address and where they took

[grace ellis]: 18:31

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 18:32

you. But they said they didn't have you. I spend the next two hours calling hospitals. every single hospital, nobody knows who I am. He's like, you know what? Why don't I just go back and call the first one again? Call the first one again. And you had been there the whole time. You'd been there the whole time. The first hospital that I called and I finally

[grace ellis]: 18:51

Cheers!

[Supdaily]: 18:51

figured out where you were because I had the address that you came from. And that's how I showed up and gave you your stuff and made sure that you were now like conscious. So that was like not a fun experience.

[grace ellis]: 19:04

Oh God, you know, looking back, I wish I would have been smarter about understanding when my body says to stop, I really should stop, instead of pushing myself to go see somebody when I can't, when I shouldn't.

[Supdaily]: 19:24

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 19:24

You know what I mean? Because I would never want that to happen. I don't want to scare anyone. anyone to be like, Oh God, she's such a chore. So like, I feel like maybe I should have been smarter about

[Supdaily]: 19:38

No,

[grace ellis]: 19:38

that.

[Supdaily]: 19:38

I've

[grace ellis]: 19:38

So

[Supdaily]: 19:38

never

[grace ellis]: 19:38

I apologize.

[Supdaily]: 19:39

looked at you. You can't

[grace ellis]: 19:39

Like

[Supdaily]: 19:40

you can't help what happened to you. You didn't

[grace ellis]: 19:43

I know.

[Supdaily]: 19:43

plan that. You're not going to put your life on hold. Don't do that. I'm not allowing that. OK.

[grace ellis]: 19:48

Okay. Okay. Okay.

[Supdaily]: 19:50

So, I mean, OK, let's let's fast forward a little bit. I did have a few more visits to the hospital. You have a you also have like an issue with your pelvic floor that they have not been able to figure out. And I kind of want to put this out there because maybe someone listening can have some maybe insight. on what you got going on. So can you describe, because you had a hysterectomy at 24.

[grace ellis]: 20:12

27.

[Supdaily]: 20:13

27.

[grace ellis]: 20:13

So I had like a hundred surgeries, but I think the one that you're talking about was the big one that I had where they like removed endometriosis from like my lungs and everything and like remove it. Um, like it was, it was really bad. So that is probably the surgery that you're thinking about, but I did have a hysterectomy at 27 just due to all of these like cysts and tumors that were just continuously growing, you know, in my uterus, in my ovaries. Um, and it's, I mean, it was fucking awful.

[Supdaily]: 20:58

Yeah.

[grace ellis]: 20:58

But You know, like I said, like I have those really bad spasms.

[Supdaily]: 21:03

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 21:04

That's what like causes me to like pass out, the vasovagal syncope, whatever it is. Basically like so much pain, your body kind of goes into like, I don't want to do this anymore. So it's like, huh.

[Supdaily]: 21:15

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 21:17

But.

[Supdaily]: 21:18

That was another visit to the hospital was you were you were passed out in your car with your dog

[grace ellis]: 21:24

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 21:24

and

[grace ellis]: 21:24

Oh

[Supdaily]: 21:24

the

[grace ellis]: 21:24

yeah.

[Supdaily]: 21:25

police called me and I came and picked up your car and your dog and then went to the hospital.

[grace ellis]: 21:32

Oh my god.

[Supdaily]: 21:33

You

[grace ellis]: 21:34

Do

[Supdaily]: 21:34

know,

[grace ellis]: 21:34

you

[Supdaily]: 21:34

but

[grace ellis]: 21:34

remember

[Supdaily]: 21:34

you,

[grace ellis]: 21:34

when you shaved my head and I peed on you and we

[Supdaily]: 21:36

yep,

[grace ellis]: 21:36

had to go?

[Supdaily]: 21:36

you, look, we've had it, you were like, I wanna, you shaved my head. And I was like, how about you come over and we talk about it first, cause you're a bit more impulsive than I am. So, and we talked about it and you're a lot, you've made logical sense. So I shaved your head. And then because you can't pee regularly, you're peeing in a bag, your

[grace ellis]: 21:56

Yeah

[Supdaily]: 21:57

pee bag leaked into the hair and I stepped on your discarded hair and urine. And then I took you to the hospital again. That was the third or second or third, that was the third time I took you to the hospital. Look, we've had

[grace ellis]: 22:10

Oh

[Supdaily]: 22:11

some

[grace ellis]: 22:11

my

[Supdaily]: 22:11

journeys,

[grace ellis]: 22:11

god.

[Supdaily]: 22:12

but I

[grace ellis]: 22:12

Listen,

[Supdaily]: 22:12

mean,

[grace ellis]: 22:13

this is love.

[Supdaily]: 22:14

so they try to install like a TENS unit and that didn't work. I think that was the

[grace ellis]: 22:17

Hmm,

[Supdaily]: 22:17

fourth time I

[grace ellis]: 22:17

mm-hmm.

[Supdaily]: 22:17

went to the hospital. So, I went to the hospital. I went to the hospital, I went to the hospital,

[grace ellis]: 22:20

No, well, yeah, you took me to surgery. You took

[Supdaily]: 22:25

Yes.

[grace ellis]: 22:25

me to that surgery. So they put in, oh God, I can't remember what it's called, but it's basically like a TENS unit that they put into your spine to try and get your muscles to chill out. And we did the temporary one, which is the one that you took me to. And... And it was like kind of starting to work like a little bit. Like I was able to get like a drop, which was monumental for me. Cause I was like, Oh, maybe this will like start to work. And then they took the temporary out and they put the real one in.

[Supdaily]: 23:00

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 23:01

And I like full on like lost all capacity to like enjoy the left side of my body.

[Supdaily]: 23:06

So

[grace ellis]: 23:06

Like

[Supdaily]: 23:07

they tweaked something.

[grace ellis]: 23:09

they hit something and, and you know, I am no doctor. I, I know nothing about. anatomy of anything other than my pelvic floor. And it just didn't make sense that when they put it in, I was seized up, but when they took it out, I was fine. Because they were like, no, no, no, that's not like possible. Like, they're saying if you put something at the nerve at your waist, you should only be affected from the waist down, not from the waist up. And I was like, I don't know what to tell you. I didn't fake a stroke. Like I

[Supdaily]: 23:42

Yeah.

[grace ellis]: 23:43

I literally cannot use the left side of my body. And they were like, no, we think maybe your mind is kind of playing tricks on you and telling you that if your left leg doesn't work, oh, then your left side doesn't work. And I'm like, my mind, maybe, not there, but

[Supdaily]: 24:01

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 24:02

I can guarantee you, I did not turn off the left side of my body. I promise.

[Supdaily]: 24:09

I can imagine it's gotta be a bit frustrating having doctors doubt your story most of the time that you go in there. How does that make your relationship with going to the hospital?

[grace ellis]: 24:22

I hate it.

[Supdaily]: 24:23

Yeah.

[grace ellis]: 24:23

And that's why it's only when I absolutely need to go to the hospital, that's

[Supdaily]: 24:29

Mm.

[grace ellis]: 24:29

when I'll go. Which is, people probably say that it's a lot, and it is a lot, but it's not every time I'm hurting. I don't go for pain management. I go when I feel like I'm going to die. And they treat you like you're a drug seeker because you're already on medication. So they're thinking like, oh, how do you run out so fast of your medication? They treat you like, you know, like, are you really hurting that bad? Like, come on, like kind of like a suck it up situation. Like women get their periods all the time. You should be totally fine. And it's just, it's degrading and demeaning. And it's a horrible feeling to have somebody not believe you because why would they? They've

[Supdaily]: 25:20

Right.

[grace ellis]: 25:20

had all of the, you know, like, I don't know. It's fucked up, because it kind of like stems back to people not believing me in like every other area of my life. And like, I've lied a lot, but I am an adult now.

[Supdaily]: 25:37

Yeah.

[grace ellis]: 25:37

And, you know, I cannot be treated as the same like 16 year old kid that like lied to you about sneaking out on a whole, like I'm not that person.

[Supdaily]: 25:48

Well,

[grace ellis]: 25:48

Like

[Supdaily]: 25:48

it's

[grace ellis]: 25:48

I...

[Supdaily]: 25:49

also like the hospital needs to treat what you bring to them, not question it to that three. And.

[grace ellis]: 25:56

Yeah, absolutely. And that's kind of where our medical system is so fucked.

[Supdaily]: 26:00

And then cherry on top. How many times have you had cancer?

[grace ellis]: 26:05

Three times, well, let's say three and a half times.

[Supdaily]: 26:08

three and a half times and what

[grace ellis]: 26:10

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 26:10

kind of cancers did you have?

[grace ellis]: 26:12

So I bladder cancer first and then I had a little ass cancer. And then

[Supdaily]: 26:18

Yeah,

[grace ellis]: 26:18

I had, and then

[Supdaily]: 26:19

I

[grace ellis]: 26:19

I

[Supdaily]: 26:19

forgot

[grace ellis]: 26:19

had.

[Supdaily]: 26:19

that we called it that. Because you were

[grace ellis]: 26:24

Oh!

[Supdaily]: 26:24

I think I think that colon cancer is what we're calling it for right

[grace ellis]: 26:29

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 26:29

now, was during the time where you were going through like chemotherapy. And that was when we were hanging out. That was.

[grace ellis]: 26:36

Yeah,

[Supdaily]: 26:37

Yeah.

[grace ellis]: 26:37

yeah, it was just a dollop of cancer.

[Supdaily]: 26:40

Yeah.

[grace ellis]: 26:40

And then, uh, and then I got bladder cancer again, and did like, I don't know, six weeks of treatment or something like that. And then we had to like go in after that round and kind of scrape out a little bit more without like having to do another round of treatments,

[Supdaily]: 26:59

and

[grace ellis]: 27:00

you

[Supdaily]: 27:00

in

[grace ellis]: 27:00

know,

[Supdaily]: 27:00

an endometriosis.

[grace ellis]: 27:02

and endometriosis and

[Supdaily]: 27:03

And

[grace ellis]: 27:03

I had

[Supdaily]: 27:04

pop.

[grace ellis]: 27:04

adenomyosis.

[Supdaily]: 27:05

And polycystic ovary.

[grace ellis]: 27:07

Yep. And then, um, Okay. So, Oh, I have like, this is crazy. Forgive me if I already said this, but what they kind of call those spasms,

[Supdaily]: 27:20

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 27:21

it's called vaginismus. And it's like, when I went to the Mayo Clinic, they were like, oh, we don't know what this is. But when I saw a specialist in Denver, Dr. Mosher, shout out, he's

[Supdaily]: 27:34

Hey.

[grace ellis]: 27:34

the greatest. He was like, oh, this is vaginismus. And it's basically where like the... your pelvic floor is just in like constant like spasm. And he's like, I've never seen a case like this because he's like, usually you kind of see it and it's like a twitch, but like mine is just like constantly like active. And so that's the name for one

[Supdaily]: 27:56

That's

[grace ellis]: 27:56

of the other

[Supdaily]: 27:57

gotta be

[grace ellis]: 27:57

things.

[Supdaily]: 27:58

semi exciting though to have a name.

[grace ellis]: 27:59

Yes, it's absolutely very, very exciting. And we did Botox treatments, which actually did help a lot, but they're very expensive. So

[Supdaily]: 28:10

Yeah.

[grace ellis]: 28:11

I had to stop.

[Supdaily]: 28:12

So the reason I bring up all of these things is because it's all in a very specific area. It's all

[grace ellis]: 28:20

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 28:21

in the area that received the most trauma for many years.

[grace ellis]: 28:24

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 28:26

And it's to the point now where like, you really can't have sex without immense amount of pain.

[grace ellis]: 28:32

Yeah, I know it sucks. Like, uh, it's, it's the worst. I mean, it's basically, you know, they tell you in physical therapy to kind of like stretch those muscles out and, you know, do this and use this dilator and like, I cannot, like, I cannot physically do that. But every once in a while you get that craving for cheese, you gotta run over that mouse trap.

[Supdaily]: 28:57

And then what is the aftermath like for you?

[grace ellis]: 29:00

It's like a week of just like not being capable of forming sentences or eating or just I just need to lay in bed

[Supdaily]: 29:10

So after so now we know a bit of the history and I didn't realize that you telling your story, which the podcast is still up if you guys want to get like the full breadth of the story, but it really rocked your it really rocked your family. It rocked the boat. Can you explain how you telling your story rocked the boat for you in your family? Like you said there was a lot of different reactions.

[grace ellis]: 29:38

Yeah, so, you know, a lot of people were angry that I would add them to my story and like talk about what I, what like happened to me because

[Supdaily]: 29:51

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 29:51

of them. And you know, nobody wanted to look bad. And they did. They did look bad. And, and, you know, I can't change that. And then it went from that to like my mom being like, you know, I'm really proud of you for like getting that out there. Um, and like being able to express yourself, you know, she did say one thing and I do want to say this. Like she, um, she was like, you know, you can tell your story all you want. Cause that's your story, but don't tell mine. Cause I had mentioned a story of hers in, in the previous podcast. So sorry, mom.

[Supdaily]: 30:28

Sorry about that.

[grace ellis]: 30:29

Sorry, mom. Um, where was I? What was

[Supdaily]: 30:33

You

[grace ellis]: 30:33

I

[Supdaily]: 30:33

were

[grace ellis]: 30:33

saying?

[Supdaily]: 30:33

talking about the reaction from the people in your family.

[grace ellis]: 30:35

Oh, right, right, right. So, and then it went from that to like, what the fuck again? Like every once in a while, she'll like bring it up and kind of like sprinkle a little bit of hatred or like despise for it. Be like, oh, you're gonna talk about this on your next podcast or, oh, are you gonna like bring that up again? Like remember when you said this in your podcast? And so it's kind of gone to that again. You know, my stepdad, he's like, fuck you, like fuck this. Like,

[Supdaily]: 31:00

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 31:00

why would you say that basically? You know, it was a lot of like shame. I think for them, but.

[Supdaily]: 31:07

Why do you think that the reaction to your truth was met with such anger?

[grace ellis]: 31:15

I think they were mad that I brought it up again. I think that they get angry that I am also now speaking about this over and over and over again. And they're like, it's a dead horse, like stop eating it. And it's, you know, and so I think that makes them mad that they can't control or change what I'm going to say. And some of it makes them look not so good. Like. I love my mom very much, but she had her own traumas to work through and I think it made her mad because I was dealing with it different than she did.

[Supdaily]: 31:56

Do you think

[grace ellis]: 31:57

And

[Supdaily]: 31:57

that

[grace ellis]: 31:57

I

[Supdaily]: 31:57

a

[grace ellis]: 31:57

wasn't.

[Supdaily]: 31:57

lot of survivors of this sort of thing go through that, where they just keep it to themselves because they don't want people to be upset with them?

[grace ellis]: 32:08

Yes, absolutely. I think a million percent that you don't want somebody to be mad at you. You don't want somebody to think that this keeps happening to you or that you're some kind of victim. You want to be strong and you want to be able to not have to burden anybody. I don't know. I think it's hard. It's hard because people will always be mad because somebody will believe that you're not telling the truth.

[Supdaily]: 32:42

Mm-hmm. I had someone on my podcast I believe it was last week's episode at the time of this recording who talked about the healing stages of women and I wonder if you can identify with any of these the first one is shock or denial Where you're just like I'm fine, and I feel like you stay in that quite a bit

[grace ellis]: 33:00

Yeah, I have to or else I will die.

[Supdaily]: 33:05

Yeah, the next day is victim, which is just you admitting, hey, this stuff happened to me.

[grace ellis]: 33:12

I mean, yeah, I think that I try not to be a victim, but I'm definitely an MA victim.

[Supdaily]: 33:19

Well, I think there's a difference of victim mentality and being a victim.

[grace ellis]: 33:25

Okay,

[Supdaily]: 33:25

You know, I think,

[grace ellis]: 33:26

then yes.

[Supdaily]: 33:27

yeah, you like you, it's just a it's just true that these things happen to you.

[grace ellis]: 33:32

Yeah, okay, gotcha.

[Supdaily]: 33:33

And then there's survivor, which are the people who are more vocal, who are out there, who are talking about it, who are who are showing up for others as well.

[grace ellis]: 33:46

I don't know if I'm that. Like, I don't know if I speak up enough. I don't know if I don't, you know, I don't know if I speak up too much. Like, I feel like it's kind of a hard line of survivor for

[Supdaily]: 34:05

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 34:05

me. Like, I don't know. And I don't feel like I've helped anyone yet. So I don't think that like,

[Supdaily]: 34:13

That's just

[grace ellis]: 34:13

Empower.

[Supdaily]: 34:14

not true. That's just not

[grace ellis]: 34:15

Yeah,

[Supdaily]: 34:15

true.

[grace ellis]: 34:15

but...

[Supdaily]: 34:16

But why, so what is happening right now that causes you to discount your own experience? Like what happens in your brain when I try to give you credit for the way you've helped others?

[grace ellis]: 34:29

My brain's like, no, no, no, not true, not true. Like,

[Supdaily]: 34:32

Hmm

[grace ellis]: 34:33

he's just trying to make you feel better.

[Supdaily]: 34:35

When have I ever just tried to make you feel better?

[grace ellis]: 34:37

Never. You

[Supdaily]: 34:38

Never.

[grace ellis]: 34:38

always try to make me feel like shit. Unless, I

[Supdaily]: 34:40

No,

[grace ellis]: 34:40

don't know.

[Supdaily]: 34:40

I do not, take it back.

[grace ellis]: 34:43

You know, you, you're just real.

[Supdaily]: 34:46

I'm very real. I mean,

[grace ellis]: 34:47

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 34:47

and like one of my favorite stories when Hugh was at the Rockies game that we went to. And,

[grace ellis]: 34:53

Oh my God.

[Supdaily]: 34:54

oh, so this is something from Lindsay having cancer, from you having cancer, like I've been surrounded by cancer. One thing I've noticed is that people treat you like you're already dead, which makes

[grace ellis]: 35:06

Yeah

[Supdaily]: 35:06

you even more upset. So I purposely tell dark jokes in front of people. Just so we were she couldn't take you couldn't take the stairs up because you were going through chemotherapy,

[grace ellis]: 35:18

Yeah,

[Supdaily]: 35:18

right?

[grace ellis]: 35:18

it was not.

[Supdaily]: 35:19

And

[grace ellis]: 35:19

It

[Supdaily]: 35:19

so

[grace ellis]: 35:19

was

[Supdaily]: 35:19

we

[grace ellis]: 35:19

harder.

[Supdaily]: 35:19

were on an escalator. And I was like, Oh, no, I'm grace. I have bladder cancer and you

[grace ellis]: 35:26

I can't walk.

[Supdaily]: 35:28

I can't walk everyone is mortified, but you are cracking up. Can you explain why you were laughing at that?

[grace ellis]: 35:35

Cause you have to, like I have to, I can't, I mean it's fucking hilarious and

[Supdaily]: 35:40

Yeah.

[grace ellis]: 35:41

uh, like I, it's funny because why, like if something can take you out, why let it also take your like joy?

[Supdaily]: 35:51

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 35:51

Like, you know what I mean, like yeah, I could just sit there and be like, I have cancer and like feel bad for me and I'm gonna die anyways so I'm just not gonna do fucking anything.

[Supdaily]: 36:02

Yeah.

[grace ellis]: 36:03

So I just, I need humor because I'm not going out in a pissed off mood.

[Supdaily]: 36:07

Yeah,

[grace ellis]: 36:07

Like I, like

[Supdaily]: 36:08

man, people

[grace ellis]: 36:09

I can't do

[Supdaily]: 36:09

people

[grace ellis]: 36:09

it.

[Supdaily]: 36:10

were so upset with me and I was like, if

[grace ellis]: 36:12

Oh my

[Supdaily]: 36:12

the

[grace ellis]: 36:12

god.

[Supdaily]: 36:12

person with cancer is laughing, do not be offended for them.

[grace ellis]: 36:18

Yeah, like don't be offended for me. Like you can be offended all you want, but

[Supdaily]: 36:21

Yeah.

[grace ellis]: 36:21

don't be offended for me.

[Supdaily]: 36:23

Yeah.

[grace ellis]: 36:23

Also, this is my conversation. Like, why the fuck are you listening?

[Supdaily]: 36:27

They also don't know what a freaking weirdo you are. So

[grace ellis]: 36:30

No, no, everybody knows.

[Supdaily]: 36:33

yeah. So okay,

[grace ellis]: 36:36

BLEH

[Supdaily]: 36:37

a lot has happened since

[grace ellis]: 36:39

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 36:41

the episode and since our friend I won't even get into the ex girlfriend episode.

[grace ellis]: 36:47

Oh my god, that's

[Supdaily]: 36:48

Yeah,

[grace ellis]: 36:48

a good one though.

[Supdaily]: 36:48

we're doing better. We're doing we're doing better with our choices now.

[grace ellis]: 36:52

That's good. We appreciate that for you.

[Supdaily]: 36:55

So you lived in my neighborhood and then you left and then you moved and so much has been happening. Can you update us a bit?

[grace ellis]: 37:03

Yeah. Yeah. So I, you know, I lived in your, at your place. And then I moved to like Littleton when my grandma died, which was like, I don't know, like an hour away. And, um, you know, I was kind of before that traveling back and forth to like take care of my grandma. And then when she kicked the bucket, I moved to another apartment and my dad moved, I like flew my dad from Oregon and like, was taking care of him at that point. It was like 2020. I think 2021, 2020, 2021.

[Supdaily]: 37:35

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 37:36

And I saved his, you know, my sister and I like saved his life by like bringing him closer to us and,

[Supdaily]: 37:44

How

[grace ellis]: 37:44

you know,

[Supdaily]: 37:44

did

[grace ellis]: 37:44

he was

[Supdaily]: 37:44

you

[grace ellis]: 37:44

living

[Supdaily]: 37:44

save

[grace ellis]: 37:44

with

[Supdaily]: 37:44

his life?

[grace ellis]: 37:44

us and oh, he fell and he broke his back and didn't tell anyone for like a week. And my uncle Scott like came in and saw him and was like, holy fuck, like what's going on? And so he called us. and was like, hey, you need to come just visit your dad or look at him or something. And we get there and he can't walk. He's been, he hasn't been up to his bedroom since it happened. Like he was going to die.

[Supdaily]: 38:17

Hmm.

[grace ellis]: 38:18

If he had fallen one more time and he didn't have his phone, nobody came to check on him for a week, he would have died. That's how old people die is they fall and they can't get up and they sit there and internally bleed. And that's, you know, I couldn't let that happen. We couldn't. That was it wasn't possible. So we moved him out here. And, you know, for a long time, we kind of lived, I'd say for a year. He lived at my sister's house in my house. And then I finally moved him in to that big house with me. That fucking shit show house.

[Supdaily]: 38:52

Mm-hmm. Tell people about what happened

[grace ellis]: 38:53

Oh, my

[Supdaily]: 38:54

in that

[grace ellis]: 38:54

God.

[Supdaily]: 38:54

house.

[grace ellis]: 38:55

So first of all, it was fucking falling apart. Like it was the it was the worst house. But. So my sister, my sister and I, we do not, we are not friends. We

[Supdaily]: 39:05

I am not

[grace ellis]: 39:06

cannot,

[Supdaily]: 39:06

a fan.

[grace ellis]: 39:07

we cannot be around her like at all. She is just the epitome of a narcissistic bully with borderline personality disorder. Like

[Supdaily]: 39:17

Yes.

[grace ellis]: 39:17

guarantee you, I hate you, don't leave me. Read that book if you know somebody with borderline personality disorder.

[Supdaily]: 39:23

Good information.

[grace ellis]: 39:24

But she moved in with me because her, fiance was caught cheating on her. And then he kind of like swindled his way back into the equation. was like abusing me and my dad and like yelling at us and and you know she she was like starting to drink with my dad which he had cirrhosis of the liver which is ultimately what you know killed him but you know she starts drinking again and she gets super volatile and she gets angry and she hurts people and and you know she's just she's crazy I mean when I tell people that she's crazy And they're like, oh, everybody has a crazy sister. Like, she's actually a psychopath.

[Supdaily]: 40:14

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 40:14

Like, she has threatened to kill me. She has driven to my house in the middle of the night, drunk, just like to like bang on my door and be like, how fucking dare you? Like, she's crazy. Like, she will hurt you. She will charge you. She will, she'll do anything.

[Supdaily]: 40:33

And she

[grace ellis]: 40:33

And she

[Supdaily]: 40:33

also

[grace ellis]: 40:33

like...

[Supdaily]: 40:34

like was treating you like you made up your cancer stuff, like as you're

[grace ellis]: 40:38

Oh,

[Supdaily]: 40:38

going through chemotherapy.

[grace ellis]: 40:39

I, yeah, no, I faked everything and

[Supdaily]: 40:42

Oh

[grace ellis]: 40:42

I'm

[Supdaily]: 40:42

god.

[grace ellis]: 40:42

still faking

[Supdaily]: 40:42

Yeah.

[grace ellis]: 40:43

everything. But like when you have to like Capri sun your own vagina, like you can't I can't fake that. I can't I'm not going to sit here and be like, yes, I do want a catheter. Thank you kindly.

[Supdaily]: 40:56

It sounds so much fun.

[grace ellis]: 40:58

Like I I can't fake that those doctors appointments, those treatment appointments, like I can't fake any of this. But she definitely thought that I was a liar. She also thought that I slept with her fiance.

[Supdaily]: 41:11

Nope.

[grace ellis]: 41:11

She also thought that I was stealing from my dad. She also thought like a million. And now recently she thinks that I stole guitars, like priceless guitars from my father and sold them.

[Supdaily]: 41:28

And

[grace ellis]: 41:28

So

[Supdaily]: 41:28

then

[grace ellis]: 41:28

like.

[Supdaily]: 41:28

and then on top of all of that, the place that you're in is a slum.

[grace ellis]: 41:35

Fucking slum. The air conditioner kaputzed like one week into the hottest summer ever. The landlord was just like the biggest dirt bag ever. They left, like when they left, they left this like greasy bowl of grease in their oven. Shit was not clean. Like I had to go in and hire a cleaning crew just so we could move in. There was like, everything was falling apart. Like, nothing worked. Nothing. The sink was fucked. Like the washer was disgusting. Like it was

[Supdaily]: 42:11

And

[grace ellis]: 42:11

so bad, Chris.

[Supdaily]: 42:11

it was expensive too.

[grace ellis]: 42:13

It was so expensive. It was like$4,500, $4,600 for like a giant piece of caca.

[Supdaily]: 42:20

Yeah.

[grace ellis]: 42:20

Caca! Absolutely

[Supdaily]: 42:22

So like,

[grace ellis]: 42:23

caca.

[Supdaily]: 42:23

man, it's just like, it seems like you go from like, just not great situation to not great situation to not great situation.

[grace ellis]: 42:31

So here's my dilemma with that. Am I making stupid decisions? Like am I a fucking moron?

[Supdaily]: 42:40

But have

[grace ellis]: 42:40

Like

[Supdaily]: 42:40

you,

[grace ellis]: 42:40

I don't-

[Supdaily]: 42:41

what was the, have you asked yourself that question legitimately? What was the, what was the conversation around that?

[grace ellis]: 42:47

I mean the conversation around it was like, oh you moved your dad here, but it was like, but he couldn't live with you, so that's not smart. Oh you moved your dad here, and now we put him in this house that's kind of dangerous and he wants to live down in the basement and he fell there and you know, he broke his leg there and he started drinking again there and like, did I make another bad choice? And then when we put him on hospice, we moved him in with my uncle in Missouri. because he said he was gonna take care of him until he passed and not put him in a home because if he was gonna go into a home, I would have kept him with me. And he lived for two months too long and so my uncle like put him into a home. You know, another stupid decision made by me.

[Supdaily]: 43:35

Mm-hmm. And

[grace ellis]: 43:36

And then.

[Supdaily]: 43:36

you had him move to Washington.

[grace ellis]: 43:39

Yeah, another stupid decision made by me.

[Supdaily]: 43:43

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 43:43

So on the 27th of March, I moved him here. And on the 30th, we had to move him into like basically actively dying hospice center. Like I couldn't take care of him. And then on the sixth, he died.

[Supdaily]: 44:04

So like three weeks ago.

[grace ellis]: 44:07

Yeah. That's okay.

[Supdaily]: 44:10

It's

[grace ellis]: 44:11

No,

[Supdaily]: 44:11

not

[grace ellis]: 44:11

it's not okay.

[Supdaily]: 44:11

it's not okay. I can I can I voice an opinion about some of the things you just said.

[grace ellis]: 44:19

I'm sure you will.

[Supdaily]: 44:20

No, I won't do it unless you say it's okay.

[grace ellis]: 44:23

Yeah, no, please do.

[Supdaily]: 44:25

You are taking so much responsibility for things that are not your responsibility. You are going into life with good intention with the people who you surround yourself with, even when they're ugly to you. You forgive so much ugliness that people toss at you every single day. You have been through so much trauma. for so long and you still show up for people. If anything, you are giving way too much of yourself and shouldering too much of the responsibility for the way other people live. You couldn't have known all that stuff was gonna happen. Did you move your dad to you so that he would pass away? No. Did you move him into the house with you because you wanted bad things for him? No. You know, you... continuously show up for other people and you already have so much trauma and you are the only thing I will say you're doing to yourself is piling it on yourself even further when you don't need to. Have you thought about why you do that? You're not doing that.

[grace ellis]: 45:40

Um, yeah, I feel like it's my only, I don't know, my, I, I don't know. I feel like because I've been blamed for a lot of things. in my life that I feel like I need to take more blame for everything. You know what I mean? Like it's like you take a lot of blame, you know, for things that you didn't do. And so when you do something that doesn't work, you feel ashamed. Like it's now I've done something that I thought was right. And yet again, here it is wrong. And so I blame myself for I don't know. being an idiot.

[Supdaily]: 46:27

It's just not true. It's just not true. You can't take that much responsibility. You can't. You've been

[grace ellis]: 46:36

I feel...

[Supdaily]: 46:36

told, you've been told, you've been told by people who don't wanna take responsibility for themselves that it's your fault so that they can shirk the responsibility of how their actions affected you. That's what I'm seeing from the outside.

[grace ellis]: 46:54

Yeah, no, I see it too from the inside.

[Supdaily]: 46:56

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 46:56

I do, I see it, but I don't want to see it. But I do see it

[Supdaily]: 47:04

Yeah.

[grace ellis]: 47:05

and I fucking hate

[Supdaily]: 47:06

Yeah.

[grace ellis]: 47:06

it. I really hate it and I've done so much fucking therapy and this is the other problem is, so many people are like, you need to go to therapy, you need to go to therapy and then you go, you get all these fucking tools, right? And then somebody says something to you and you whip out a tool. And they're like, oh my God, you've done too much therapy. It's like, what the fuck is this world? What is this world? Like, nobody can, you know, speak their truth without being like, somebody thinks you're crazy. Like, it's just, this is crazy. This is chaos.

[Supdaily]: 47:39

First of all, anybody who says you need to go to therapy needs to go to therapy.

[grace ellis]: 47:45

I know, I

[Supdaily]: 47:45

That

[grace ellis]: 47:45

know.

[Supdaily]: 47:46

is so disrespectful. Like as someone who's done extensive therapy, you don't get to make that decision for what someone needs to do, especially in that way. And especially if you're part of the source of their trauma, they want you to go because they don't wanna have to deal with you and they think. they're not part of the problem. So if you go, then it'll fix it and you'll leave them alone. And then you've got the tools to show that they were legitimately a part of the problem and they don't like that either. So

[grace ellis]: 48:13

No, they hate it!

[Supdaily]: 48:14

all of this sounds very much like a them problem.

[grace ellis]: 48:19

Yeah. I mean it, and here's what I'm going to do again.

[Supdaily]: 48:22

You're

[grace ellis]: 48:22

I'm going

[Supdaily]: 48:22

about

[grace ellis]: 48:22

to be like,

[Supdaily]: 48:22

to

[grace ellis]: 48:22

it's

[Supdaily]: 48:23

make

[grace ellis]: 48:23

an all

[Supdaily]: 48:23

excuses.

[grace ellis]: 48:23

of us problem.

[Supdaily]: 48:24

Stop, stop. You literally said, and I heard it under your breath when I was saying, I haven't been through as much as you've been through, like, don't compare. I heard you say it. Don't think I didn't hear it. And then you turn around to do the same thing. Why is it so hard for us to take our own advice? I do the same thing.

[grace ellis]: 48:45

I know you do and that's why we're friends.

[Supdaily]: 48:47

It's so annoying, you know, but like you are taking you when someone responds that way because they're never gonna change. These people

[grace ellis]: 48:58

I

[Supdaily]: 48:58

you've

[grace ellis]: 48:58

know.

[Supdaily]: 48:59

talked about, they're not gonna change. And not only are they not going to change, they're going to make things worse for you.

[grace ellis]: 49:09

Yeah, they're going to change

[Supdaily]: 49:09

And you're going

[grace ellis]: 49:10

me.

[Supdaily]: 49:10

through that right now with the death of your dad, and all of a sudden all this stuff, people coming out of the woodworks and attacking, which is unfortunately common when death happens in a family. And I remember asking you, how worth it? How worth this fight is it? How much worth, is it worth it? Are you okay? I'm sorry, am I bullying you?

[grace ellis]: 49:35

No, you're not.

[Supdaily]: 49:36

I

[grace ellis]: 49:36

You're

[Supdaily]: 49:36

want to

[grace ellis]: 49:37

not.

[Supdaily]: 49:37

empower you. I like, I care.

[grace ellis]: 49:38

You, and here's the thing, like you absolutely are. It's just, it's so, I'm so emotional. Like I really am like so emotional

[Supdaily]: 49:48

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 49:49

right now. and it's like my dad was like my favorite fucking person,

[Supdaily]: 49:54

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 49:54

you know, so like all of this shit that's happening, I mean, no, it's not worth it. Like taking on the blame is not worth it.

[Supdaily]: 50:05

And it's also

[grace ellis]: 50:05

The

[Supdaily]: 50:05

not

[grace ellis]: 50:05

fight

[Supdaily]: 50:05

true.

[grace ellis]: 50:05

is not worth

[Supdaily]: 50:06

It's

[grace ellis]: 50:06

it.

[Supdaily]: 50:06

not worth it. You had what a lot of them didn't, and you had the time with him at the very end.

[grace ellis]: 50:16

That wasn't enough though,

[Supdaily]: 50:17

It would

[grace ellis]: 50:17

you

[Supdaily]: 50:17

have

[grace ellis]: 50:18

know?

[Supdaily]: 50:18

never been enough, but you were there. What were you doing when he passed?

[grace ellis]: 50:23

I was holding his hand.

[Supdaily]: 50:25

Whoa. Whoa.

[grace ellis]: 50:28

And it was like 15 minutes after I'd finally fallen asleep.

[Supdaily]: 50:32

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 50:34

but still, you know, it's never enough time. And here I'm gonna sit here and do this fucking thing again that you're gonna tell me to stop doing. But I look back and think about how long I fucking hated him and I blamed him for everything and I'll never have that time again. And it's gutting because I could have had the last two months that was taken away from me by what I would say is another decision that I made.

[Supdaily]: 51:05

It's just not your responsibility. You're not a, you can't predict the future. You can't predict what people, yeah, you wish you could. You know, you can't take responsibility for that, you know? You got to hold your dad's hand as he went. If that isn't the most intimate sign of loving someone, I don't know what is. You sent him. You sent him. Do you see that?

[grace ellis]: 51:35

I do, and I know,

[Supdaily]: 51:37

Why are you going

[grace ellis]: 51:37

I

[Supdaily]: 51:37

to

[grace ellis]: 51:38

think

[Supdaily]: 51:38

resist

[grace ellis]: 51:38

he waited.

[Supdaily]: 51:38

it? Why are you going to resist it though? I see your body, your whole body is like tensing up. What about me giving you that credit makes you so resistant to hearing it.

[grace ellis]: 51:50

It's just, it's hard when, it's gonna sound so victim-like, but it's hard when a lot of your life, you don't get a lot of credit for the things that you've truly done that are good or whatever. And so when you start to hear that and you start to hear things that should empower you and should make you feel like all of it's worth it, It's a very different feeling and I, why do I wanna feel different? Like I'm very like, I'm very comfortable in like knowing that nobody thinks I'm great.

[Supdaily]: 52:35

Do you think there's an aspect of if you blend in, no one can get to you? If you don't stick out, people will leave you alone.

[grace ellis]: 52:44

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 52:44

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 52:46

Of course. Like, all I ever wanted to do was fucking fit in and like be loved and be liked and you know have everybody be proud of me. And uh, I don't know.

[Supdaily]: 53:02

I'm proud of you. I know a lot of people who are listening are proud of you. Your story is so inspiring to so many people, as dark as it is.

[grace ellis]: 53:15

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 53:15

You know what you still are? Here.

[grace ellis]: 53:19

Yeah,

[Supdaily]: 53:20

You're

[grace ellis]: 53:20

that's

[Supdaily]: 53:20

still

[grace ellis]: 53:20

a big

[Supdaily]: 53:20

here.

[grace ellis]: 53:20

thing.

[Supdaily]: 53:21

You're still sharing. You're still smiling. You're still inspiring other people. You could have absolutely just laid down and said, I'm a victim forever

[grace ellis]: 53:32

Elmer.

[Supdaily]: 53:33

and I I'm just going to sit and woe is me, but you keep showing up every fucking day. What I don't know that I would be able to do that. I don't know that most people. How do you do it? How after

[grace ellis]: 53:52

Thank you.

[Supdaily]: 53:53

all of that? How do you keep showing up every single day? How?

[grace ellis]: 53:58

I have to. I just do it. You have to. I can't be miserable. I can't be.

[Supdaily]: 54:07

That's not a have to, that's a choice. You made a choice. You chose to.

[grace ellis]: 54:11

Yeah, I chose to.

[Supdaily]: 54:13

We're both very bad at offing ourselves.

[grace ellis]: 54:16

Because

[Supdaily]: 54:16

We're

[grace ellis]: 54:16

I'm

[Supdaily]: 54:16

so

[grace ellis]: 54:17

such

[Supdaily]: 54:17

bad

[grace ellis]: 54:17

a

[Supdaily]: 54:17

at

[grace ellis]: 54:17

failure,

[Supdaily]: 54:17

it. Yeah,

[grace ellis]: 54:18

I

[Supdaily]: 54:18

we

[grace ellis]: 54:18

told

[Supdaily]: 54:18

have both

[grace ellis]: 54:18

you.

[Supdaily]: 54:18

failed and it's so annoying. I wanna be good at

[grace ellis]: 54:21

Nobody's

[Supdaily]: 54:21

it,

[grace ellis]: 54:21

proud of me.

[Supdaily]: 54:23

but I... There's that dark humor that you like cope with. You know, I just

[grace ellis]: 54:26

Yeah, you,

[Supdaily]: 54:27

like,

[grace ellis]: 54:27

yeah.

[Supdaily]: 54:29

I'm just so immensely proud of the person that you are, regardless of everything that's happened. And I will always say that. I said that years ago and I'm saying it now.

[grace ellis]: 54:38

You always say it. You do. You always say it.

[Supdaily]: 54:41

There's gonna be people who are gonna hear the way that I talk to you and hate every moment of

[grace ellis]: 54:44

I

[Supdaily]: 54:44

it.

[grace ellis]: 54:44

feel like,

[Supdaily]: 54:45

That's

[grace ellis]: 54:45

fuck

[Supdaily]: 54:45

your journey.

[grace ellis]: 54:45

this guy.

[Supdaily]: 54:46

Good luck to you. But she knows, she knows

[grace ellis]: 54:49

I'm fine.

[Supdaily]: 54:50

that it's coming from the most loving place because I will always be go to bat for you, always. That's why

[grace ellis]: 54:58

I

[Supdaily]: 54:58

I

[grace ellis]: 54:58

know.

[Supdaily]: 54:58

give you a microphone.

[grace ellis]: 55:01

I know. I didn't get a microphone. No, I didn't.

[Supdaily]: 55:02

You but you best because people don't listen, but they can't interrupt you now.

[grace ellis]: 55:07

That is true, which is really nice. Like, it's nice to be able to just like, freely talk and like, say things and not have somebody be like, that's not what happened, or that's not true, or it happened a totally different way. Like, it's nice to be able to like, talk at, you know, with somebody who... won't interrupt me and will actually fucking listen.

[Supdaily]: 55:30

Yeah,

[grace ellis]: 55:30

So.

[Supdaily]: 55:31

it's it's um, it the truth is regardless, you can paint it how you want, but the truth just is. You know, and they're the gaslighting that you receive, manipulating that reality as not true, you lived it, they don't want to remember it that way, because it doesn't make them look good. So wow, sounds like a them problem once again. You know?

[grace ellis]: 55:57

Sounds like a not me problem.

[Supdaily]: 55:58

Yeah.

[grace ellis]: 55:58

Is that

[Supdaily]: 55:59

And

[grace ellis]: 55:59

like?

[Supdaily]: 55:59

I'm sure that you're going to get crap for this.

[grace ellis]: 56:03

Yeah,

[Supdaily]: 56:03

So why

[grace ellis]: 56:04

of

[Supdaily]: 56:04

you

[grace ellis]: 56:04

course

[Supdaily]: 56:04

say

[grace ellis]: 56:04

I am.

[Supdaily]: 56:04

so you got crap for it last time, people flip flopped and it disrupted stuff. Why are you doing it again?

[grace ellis]: 56:10

Because fuck it, like I was like, I also was like really proud of myself after the first one

[Supdaily]: 56:17

Yeah.

[grace ellis]: 56:18

and I think I could use a win right now. So

[Supdaily]: 56:20

Yeah, we're gonna get you a win.

[grace ellis]: 56:21

I'm gonna talk shit and get my win.

[Supdaily]: 56:25

It's not talking shit if it's just truth, you know what I'm saying? Like,

[grace ellis]: 56:28

I mean,

[Supdaily]: 56:29

so.

[grace ellis]: 56:29

honesty without tact is cruelty, Chris.

[Supdaily]: 56:32

Oh my God, whatever. Anyway,

[grace ellis]: 56:35

Be kind.

[Supdaily]: 56:35

so you so your dad has passed condolences for that. The squabbling is happening within the family, which we've talked about, not really worth the effort.

[grace ellis]: 56:47

It's not, but

[Supdaily]: 56:48

So

[grace ellis]: 56:48

it's still so aggravating.

[Supdaily]: 56:50

I know, but you have to let it go or it's going to continue to eat you like cancer is eating

[grace ellis]: 56:57

I

[Supdaily]: 56:57

you.

[grace ellis]: 56:57

know!

[Supdaily]: 56:58

So why?

[grace ellis]: 56:59

I know!

[Supdaily]: 56:59

What are you hoping by staying in this fight with people who have never treated you well? What's going to come? What are you hoping comes from it?

[grace ellis]: 57:10

I am just hoping they see that I didn't lie. That's what I'm hoping. Like, with all of this, they're thinking that I'm like trying to change the will or like I'm trying to, you know, steal from my dad or, you know, I swayed him in a certain way. Like they, they definitely think that I've like stolen from him. And I don't want them to think that because it's not true. And I, I know I don't have control over what they think. I don't want to know or think that that's also what my dad thought by like spending time with them. You know what I mean? Like I don't, I don't want that to have like fed into him.

[Supdaily]: 57:54

How did he, what was going on? We're gonna repeat it again. What was going on when he passed? and you were holding his hand. That's

[grace ellis]: 58:05

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 58:05

the only truth that matters. Really? Like there is nothing more raw and intimate than carrying someone to the other side. I did it with my grandma. That's why I have the word listen tattooed on my chest. You know, like that's the truth. The rest is just opinions.

[grace ellis]: 58:27

I know.

[Supdaily]: 58:28

So do you think,

[grace ellis]: 58:29

I know.

[Supdaily]: 58:30

do you think at this point, you're gonna like, because it seems like your dad is really what was keeping you connected to a lot, does that feel accurate?

[grace ellis]: 58:40

Yeah, yeah,

[Supdaily]: 58:41

So do you think

[grace ellis]: 58:42

yeah.

[Supdaily]: 58:42

now that he's gone and the response to him being gone has been like pretty awful and probably really triggering, do you think you'll just kind of release those people and let them think

[grace ellis]: 58:54

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 58:54

what they want?

[grace ellis]: 58:55

Yeah, I'm. to. Like, it's gonna kill me, you know? And I've

[Supdaily]: 59:01

I'm so proud

[grace ellis]: 59:02

got,

[Supdaily]: 59:02

of you for

[grace ellis]: 59:02

like,

[Supdaily]: 59:02

saying that.

[grace ellis]: 59:04

it really is, it's gonna fucking kill me. And I'm, I don't wanna die anymore. So,

[Supdaily]: 59:10

Yay! We love that.

[grace ellis]: 59:11

so

[Supdaily]: 59:11

We love

[grace ellis]: 59:11

like,

[Supdaily]: 59:12

not wanting to die.

[grace ellis]: 59:12

I don't know, I just, I don't want, I can't let, okay, so here's another thing.

[Supdaily]: 59:18

Oh,

[grace ellis]: 59:18

So I have

[Supdaily]: 59:19

there's more.

[grace ellis]: 59:20

recently, so I have, so,

[Supdaily]: 59:23

How is there more?

[grace ellis]: 59:24

so.

[Supdaily]: 59:24

How is there more? Okay.

[grace ellis]: 59:25

But this is like really interestingly great. So for a long time For for as long as I you know, anyways for a long time I have been I haven't been working just due to my health and and my parents have been helping me you know provide for myself and They just told me that I won't get another penny so like I have to like now you know figure out my health and like get a job, it's like somehow, that's very kind and understanding. So it kind of felt like an oh shit moment, but it was also like one of those things where I finally kind of felt my mom's thumb come off of my back. Like it was...

[Supdaily]: 1:00:18

What do you mean? Because you're to be clear, like your mom has quite a bit of money.

[grace ellis]: 1:00:23

Yeah, she, I mean, she's very comfortable. She was very successful. She is, she's great.

[Supdaily]: 1:00:28

Yeah.

[grace ellis]: 1:00:28

She is, she will be just fine for the rest of her life. And obviously my sister and I will also benefit from her incredibly hard work. Cause she is, she busted her fucking ass and she did really well for herself. But, so she financially helped me and I always kind of felt like I had to check in and tell them. you know, what I was spending it on and hopefully they didn't get mad at it, you know? And I'm 33 years old and that's embarrassing in a sense, you know what I mean? Like that's pretty humiliating, even though circumstantially it could be understood, but a lot of people also

[Supdaily]: 1:01:10

You haven't been able to

[grace ellis]: 1:01:11

won't

[Supdaily]: 1:01:11

work.

[grace ellis]: 1:01:11

have respect for that. No.

[Supdaily]: 1:01:13

You haven't been able to work because of all your health problems. Like, you know, and she has the ability to help you. So basically you're saying you no longer feel like beholden to them because of finance and you're gaining your independence.

[grace ellis]: 1:01:29

Yes, and literally this happened yesterday.

[Supdaily]: 1:01:31

Whoa!

[grace ellis]: 1:01:32

So,

[Supdaily]: 1:01:33

Hot

[grace ellis]: 1:01:33

so

[Supdaily]: 1:01:33

off the press!

[grace ellis]: 1:01:33

like, so it's, you know, it is. Like it's, this is, it just happened. So like, there's a little bit of relief.

[Supdaily]: 1:01:42

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 1:01:42

I don't know if that makes sense. Does that make sense? Like I can finally, like, it's gonna be my money. I can do whatever the fuck I want with it. Like

[Supdaily]: 1:01:50

Yep.

[grace ellis]: 1:01:51

I can move to Bali and, you know, never see anyone again. And that would be fucking. Awesome, but also very sad. I would miss everyone.

[Supdaily]: 1:02:00

What about Sydney?

[grace ellis]: 1:02:04

I'm dying to go to Australia.

[Supdaily]: 1:02:06

Okay,

[grace ellis]: 1:02:06

So,

[Supdaily]: 1:02:07

well, I'll

[grace ellis]: 1:02:07

so,

[Supdaily]: 1:02:07

file that away saying I

[grace ellis]: 1:02:09

you

[Supdaily]: 1:02:09

might

[grace ellis]: 1:02:09

put that in your

[Supdaily]: 1:02:10

end

[grace ellis]: 1:02:10

memory

[Supdaily]: 1:02:11

up there

[grace ellis]: 1:02:11

box

[Supdaily]: 1:02:11

someday.

[grace ellis]: 1:02:11

there.

[Supdaily]: 1:02:11

Who knows? Nobody,

[grace ellis]: 1:02:12

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 1:02:13

nobody knows. So,

[grace ellis]: 1:02:14

I know all

[Supdaily]: 1:02:14

I mean,

[grace ellis]: 1:02:15

the things.

[Supdaily]: 1:02:15

like you, it seems like you are about to finally start the part of your journey where you strike out on your own and

[grace ellis]: 1:02:22

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 1:02:22

you're not. So do you think you have the ability to let go of the need for all the toxic elements in your life to see you the way that you know is true?

[grace ellis]: 1:02:34

Yes, which is the fucking epiphany that I had last night when I like felt the release of the thug. So this is like a wildly interesting like full circle

[Supdaily]: 1:02:44

Yes,

[grace ellis]: 1:02:45

podcast situation,

[Supdaily]: 1:02:45

oh it's perfect,

[grace ellis]: 1:02:46

which is great.

[Supdaily]: 1:02:47

it's perfect.

[grace ellis]: 1:02:47

I would be incredibly bored if I were listening to it, but that's fine.

[Supdaily]: 1:02:51

I don't think anybody is going to be bored listening to this.

[grace ellis]: 1:02:55

It's just, it's, you know, it's

[Supdaily]: 1:02:57

It's

[grace ellis]: 1:02:57

a

[Supdaily]: 1:02:57

exciting.

[grace ellis]: 1:02:57

really liberating feeling. Yeah,

[Supdaily]: 1:02:59

It's

[grace ellis]: 1:02:59

it

[Supdaily]: 1:02:59

so

[grace ellis]: 1:02:59

is. It's

[Supdaily]: 1:03:00

exciting.

[grace ellis]: 1:03:00

really.

[Supdaily]: 1:03:00

I'm so as someone who has witnessed so much like, whoa, you are about to embark on your own life.

[grace ellis]: 1:03:08

No!

[Supdaily]: 1:03:09

You're going to let go of those toxic people. I bet you just a theory and update us later that your health is going to improve as well because less stress.

[grace ellis]: 1:03:18

I hope so. I think so, yeah.

[Supdaily]: 1:03:20

Yes.

[grace ellis]: 1:03:21

So maybe I should have done this fucking years ago.

[Supdaily]: 1:03:23

You did

[grace ellis]: 1:03:23

I don't

[Supdaily]: 1:03:24

it.

[grace ellis]: 1:03:24

know.

[Supdaily]: 1:03:24

You know what? You did it when you did it. And I'm so proud of you. And I'm so proud of you for showing up today and sharing all this stuff. And it's just like beautiful to watch after such a horrendous go for like, I don't know, the last 18 years of your life. You know, like,

[grace ellis]: 1:03:42

It's Pro Hunter.

[Supdaily]: 1:03:43

it's been a long time. You show up with all this pain, all this drama, and you still smile. And I think it's such a beautiful thing. Stop masking as much. Stop shouldering other people's actions as your responsibility. You're not responsible for what happened. You're only show responsible for your intent and how you show up. That's it. Got it?

[grace ellis]: 1:04:05

And I show up, I show up.

[Supdaily]: 1:04:07

You do show up. And through all that, you've always shown up for me too.

[grace ellis]: 1:04:12

I hope so. I fucking love you.

[Supdaily]: 1:04:17

I

[grace ellis]: 1:04:17

You

[Supdaily]: 1:04:17

love

[grace ellis]: 1:04:17

know

[Supdaily]: 1:04:17

you

[grace ellis]: 1:04:17

that.

[Supdaily]: 1:04:17

too, yeah. Okay, so I have a handful of questions from my Patreon people if you're down to answer.

[grace ellis]: 1:04:23

Yeah,

[Supdaily]: 1:04:24

Okay,

[grace ellis]: 1:04:24

really?

[Supdaily]: 1:04:24

yeah. So if any of you are ever interested in asking questions to the guests that come on, patreon.com slash unfiltered friends. Yvonne wants to know like what is your why for keeping going? Like how do you keep going?

[grace ellis]: 1:04:44

Why not?

[Supdaily]: 1:04:47

Alright.

[grace ellis]: 1:04:48

You know, like you just, I don't know, with like everything happening with my dad, I kind of felt like, okay, now I have to live for him.

[Supdaily]: 1:05:01

Mmm.

[grace ellis]: 1:05:02

And so that is a lot of my why currently. Before that, I had to fake wise. Like it was like, my mom would be devastated or. Like, you know, who's gonna feed my dog? Like, I faked a lot of whys, but I think ultimately, like, I've always kind of held on to this idea of like, I will live out my dad's legacy for sure. So I almost feel like once his, like, death happened, I like got this like kickstart of existence. So that's my why right now, today.

[Supdaily]: 1:05:38

That's always been,

[grace ellis]: 1:05:38

Today is why.

[Supdaily]: 1:05:39

yeah, that's always been something I guide because I've experienced quite a bit of death is like the best way to honor someone is to live a full life. So like

[grace ellis]: 1:05:47

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 1:05:47

he might be the inspiration, but what I will say is it sounds like you're finally living your life for yourself.

[grace ellis]: 1:05:52

Yeah,

[Supdaily]: 1:05:53

Whoa,

[grace ellis]: 1:05:53

feels

[Supdaily]: 1:05:53

whoa,

[grace ellis]: 1:05:53

like it.

[Supdaily]: 1:05:54

whoa. High

[grace ellis]: 1:05:56

Even

[Supdaily]: 1:05:56

five

[grace ellis]: 1:05:56

though

[Supdaily]: 1:05:56

yourself.

[grace ellis]: 1:05:56

like it's weird, it feels like it. I don't

[Supdaily]: 1:05:59

Yeah.

[grace ellis]: 1:06:00

know. We'll see.

[Supdaily]: 1:06:02

Megan wants to know, so what is your support network? You know, it seems like all the people in your household don't really show up for you. Who does?

[grace ellis]: 1:06:12

So I have a best friend who is like a little dollop of angel juice

[Supdaily]: 1:06:18

I'm going to

[grace ellis]: 1:06:18

just

[Supdaily]: 1:06:18

go to

[grace ellis]: 1:06:18

like

[Supdaily]: 1:06:19

bed.

[grace ellis]: 1:06:19

sitting in a Capri Sun on my shoulder. Like

[Supdaily]: 1:06:21

Yeah.

[grace ellis]: 1:06:21

she is the best. She's the fucking best. And she has helped me through a lot of this. Like over the last like I want to say year, we like she helped me take care of my dad. She helped me move him here. She like she is a fucking godsend. And then I have, you know, My best friend, Drake, who I talked about on the last podcast, but his whole family is here. So they are the most supportive. They're like my chosen family at this point.

[Supdaily]: 1:06:50

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 1:06:52

And I have a therapist.

[Supdaily]: 1:06:53

Yeah, I mean, that is the difference between people say family shows up in a certain way. Relatives are just the people you're there's a difference between relatives and family. And sometimes

[grace ellis]: 1:07:04

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 1:07:04

your relatives are not your family. And a lot of times your family is not your relatives.

[grace ellis]: 1:07:10

Yeah, sometimes blood is thinner than water.

[Supdaily]: 1:07:12

Well, do you know the full quote from the

[grace ellis]: 1:07:15

No.

[Supdaily]: 1:07:15

blood sticker than water?

[grace ellis]: 1:07:17

No,

[Supdaily]: 1:07:17

Um, hold on.

[grace ellis]: 1:07:17

it's

[Supdaily]: 1:07:18

It's

[grace ellis]: 1:07:18

a full thing.

[Supdaily]: 1:07:18

yeah, you're

[grace ellis]: 1:07:19

Also.

[Supdaily]: 1:07:19

shaking your camera by the way.

[grace ellis]: 1:07:21

Oh, sorry.

[Supdaily]: 1:07:23

What?

[grace ellis]: 1:07:23

I just like the Blair Witch effect. Also, I learned this on fucking tick tock. Do you know what open sesame says?

[Supdaily]: 1:07:33

No?

[grace ellis]: 1:07:34

It's open says me.

[Supdaily]: 1:07:37

Oh.

[grace ellis]: 1:07:39

Not open sesame! Did you know that?

[Supdaily]: 1:07:41

I did not know that.

[grace ellis]: 1:07:43

Well, you're welcome.

[Supdaily]: 1:07:44

Okay, the full quote of blood is thicker than water is, the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb, meaning chosen bonds are more significant than the bonds of family or water of the womb. So people misuse that all the time.

[grace ellis]: 1:08:05

Wow! Oh.

[Supdaily]: 1:08:10

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

[grace ellis]: 1:08:15

wild.

[Supdaily]: 1:08:15

Right? He would never know. He would never know.

[grace ellis]: 1:08:17

I literally thought that it was blood is thicker than water period

[Supdaily]: 1:08:21

Mm-mm.

[grace ellis]: 1:08:22

the end.

[Supdaily]: 1:08:23

The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water

[grace ellis]: 1:08:25

Oh

[Supdaily]: 1:08:25

of

[grace ellis]: 1:08:25

my.

[Supdaily]: 1:08:25

the womb. So the water is relatives. Right? Yeah.

[grace ellis]: 1:08:30

Oh my god, my brain is gonna fall out of my mouth. I don't know what to do.

[Supdaily]: 1:08:35

Don't do

[grace ellis]: 1:08:36

Oh

[Supdaily]: 1:08:36

you

[grace ellis]: 1:08:36

my

[Supdaily]: 1:08:36

don't

[grace ellis]: 1:08:36

god!

[Supdaily]: 1:08:36

you don't need more procedures. Okay, no butthole stuff. Okay, you've had enough.

[grace ellis]: 1:08:41

No, by all stuff. You're right.

[Supdaily]: 1:08:45

Hallie wants to know how do you maintain a relationship with a family that doesn't support you?

[grace ellis]: 1:08:51

you pretend like they're going to at some point.

[Supdaily]: 1:08:56

Oof.

[grace ellis]: 1:08:58

I don't know, like it's difficult, it's really hard because you get moments of support and so like I, for me, I hold on to like those moments of support without like thinking about the bad shit until I'm like on a leather couch talking to my therapist.

[Supdaily]: 1:09:17

That is a cycle of abuse. You're talking about the, I faced this in romantic relationships where like, you can't even, eventually you can't even enjoy the good times because you know that it's about to turn into something ugly. And then it starts over and

[grace ellis]: 1:09:31

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 1:09:31

over and over again.

[grace ellis]: 1:09:33

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 1:09:33

But you hold onto it because you want

[grace ellis]: 1:09:34

But

[Supdaily]: 1:09:35

that

[grace ellis]: 1:09:35

then that

[Supdaily]: 1:09:35

to be

[grace ellis]: 1:09:35

good

[Supdaily]: 1:09:35

true.

[grace ellis]: 1:09:35

happens.

[Supdaily]: 1:09:36

Yeah.

[grace ellis]: 1:09:36

Yeah, that good happens. And you're like, oh, fuck. So ultimately, how do you deal with it? Shit, if I know like you

[Supdaily]: 1:09:43

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 1:09:43

just fucking like not everybody can. And and at that point, like if that's you, you need to get out. Like, fuck that. Fuck them. Like. Bye.

[Supdaily]: 1:09:56

I'm gonna clip this part and send it to you after we're done. So

[grace ellis]: 1:09:59

Okay.

[Supdaily]: 1:09:59

that you follow, that was an example of you not following your own advice. But at least you know, at least the knowledge is there. We know that now.

[grace ellis]: 1:10:07

Oh, it is there. It's like, it's there in my brain and I can tell a million people to do a million things but shit. I

[Supdaily]: 1:10:13

Hehehehehe

[grace ellis]: 1:10:14

monkey see, monkey do, uh-uh, not here.

[Supdaily]: 1:10:16

Look, I'm not great at it either. Megan

[grace ellis]: 1:10:19

I don't...

[Supdaily]: 1:10:19

asks, have you forgiven your mom for not standing up for you?

[grace ellis]: 1:10:26

I forgive her. It makes things difficult.

[Supdaily]: 1:10:30

Hmm.

[grace ellis]: 1:10:32

I forgive her and I think that she does and did what she felt she needed to do and I don't think, like a lot of times we do things and we react to certain things that we look back and we're like, oh shit, I shouldn't have done that or I should have handled this differently. And I think she's done a lot of reflection on that. Um, and so I, I forgive her for that, but there are a lot of things that like continue, you know, through that. And so I don't, what I don't forgive is, is the inability to just see kind of my. Perspective on things.

[Supdaily]: 1:11:15

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 1:11:16

I don't know. I don't know if that makes sense.

[Supdaily]: 1:11:19

I mean, like, do you feel like that forgiveness is necessary for your own healing? You hear that a lot?

[grace ellis]: 1:11:25

Yes, yes,

[Supdaily]: 1:11:27

How

[grace ellis]: 1:11:27

I do. Even though I don't like there's a lot of people like I can't forgive but my mom, she is incredible. She really, I mean she is so sweet, she's so kind and she really does do her best and I know that. But a lot of times your best is not quite what somebody needs. Like they need more or they need different and I don't know. I

[Supdaily]: 1:11:59

Seems

[grace ellis]: 1:11:59

don't

[Supdaily]: 1:11:59

like you need honesty is what you need.

[grace ellis]: 1:12:00

fucking know. I would love some honesty. I would love some like brutal fucking honesty. Like I flat out asked her, I was like, did you think I stole from my dad? And her response was, I know you loved your dad very much.

[Supdaily]: 1:12:16

That's a very political answer.

[grace ellis]: 1:12:18

And that hurts, you know, like, I just wanted you to be like, yes, I think you stole. No, I don't think you stole. Like, I just wanna know the fucking truth. Like,

[Supdaily]: 1:12:31

Yeah.

[grace ellis]: 1:12:31

what do you, like, what am I doing wrong to make you feel this way? If you don't tell me, I cannot change it.

[Supdaily]: 1:12:40

Yeah. All right, final question from Hallie.

[grace ellis]: 1:12:46

Alley.

[Supdaily]: 1:12:46

How do you define justice for what you've gone

[grace ellis]: 1:12:49

Oh

[Supdaily]: 1:12:49

through?

[grace ellis]: 1:12:49

god.

[Supdaily]: 1:12:50

Do you seek, because in this time, a lot of people will go through something, and they seek justice. Do you seek justice for the things that have happened to you? How would you define that justice?

[grace ellis]: 1:13:04

Justice would be just honestly somebody believing me that would be some justice

[Supdaily]: 1:13:13

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 1:13:14

but also like I think something needs to come of what Daniel did like there needs to be some repercussions here like he needs to admit that what he did was wrong and that would be justice for me. Like, that's, that would be

[Supdaily]: 1:13:32

him acknowledging

[grace ellis]: 1:13:33

like.

[Supdaily]: 1:13:33

the fact that he raped you.

[grace ellis]: 1:13:35

Yeah, like just just acknowledge it. Just just say yes, I did this and like that would be justice because then he has to like live with the fact that like he said it out loud finally

[Supdaily]: 1:13:49

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 1:13:49

and like now he has to believe that and um and like for me it'd be like fuck he finally said it and no matter what anybody else thought he said it we all know it's true that would be some fucking

[Supdaily]: 1:14:04

So justice is truth.

[grace ellis]: 1:14:07

Yeah. I hope.

[Supdaily]: 1:14:11

Validation

[grace ellis]: 1:14:11

I think.

[Supdaily]: 1:14:11

of your truth.

[grace ellis]: 1:14:13

Yeah.

[Supdaily]: 1:14:15

How you doing? You good?

[grace ellis]: 1:14:17

I am fucking... I'm great.

[Supdaily]: 1:14:20

How you-

[grace ellis]: 1:14:21

I love this. First of all, I love talking to you.

[Supdaily]: 1:14:26

Yeah.

[grace ellis]: 1:14:26

This is great. Obviously, I feel like I'm going to cry a lot

[Supdaily]: 1:14:31

Yeah.

[grace ellis]: 1:14:32

after we hang up.

[Supdaily]: 1:14:33

Yeah, but that's good.

[grace ellis]: 1:14:35

But it is good.

[Supdaily]: 1:14:36

Yeah.

[grace ellis]: 1:14:38

It's good. It's scary to do this and like... You know, ultimately my mind goes, who fucking cares what I have to say? Like, I...

[Supdaily]: 1:14:47

I care.

[grace ellis]: 1:14:47

Who cares? I know you do.

[Supdaily]: 1:14:51

So I'm gonna, we're gonna have this talk now. Do you feel like everything that you've said to me is truth in the way that you know it to be?

[grace ellis]: 1:15:01

Yeah, absolutely.

[Supdaily]: 1:15:03

when, not when, not if, but when you get the reaction from this episode coming out. Are you going to stand in your own truth? How are you going

[grace ellis]: 1:15:17

Yes,

[Supdaily]: 1:15:17

to do that? How are you

[grace ellis]: 1:15:18

I

[Supdaily]: 1:15:19

not

[grace ellis]: 1:15:19

think.

[Supdaily]: 1:15:19

going to allow them to shut you down again?

[grace ellis]: 1:15:24

I think I just have to turn it off. I just have to give that space to heal and just turn off the connection. I no longer have that financial connection, which I think was a really huge part of it and why we really couldn't heal. And so without that, I feel like I can believe in myself a little more and trust the fact that I can do this and I will do this.

[Supdaily]: 1:15:52

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Thank you for your perspective is something I say quite often. That's an interesting perspective.

[grace ellis]: 1:16:00

Ooh, that's good.

[Supdaily]: 1:16:01

Yeah, it acknowledges they said something, but does not absorb.

[grace ellis]: 1:16:06

Oh that's interesting, but

[Supdaily]: 1:16:07

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 1:16:07

I like it.

[Supdaily]: 1:16:08

Yeah. So find that phrase that acknowledges them, but allows you to keep the truth as you know it. And you won't absorb that. And then you just go on with your life.

[grace ellis]: 1:16:21

Did you do therapy?

[Supdaily]: 1:16:22

I've done a lot of therapy, so much therapy and it was very ouchy.

[grace ellis]: 1:16:29

It's so bad!

[Supdaily]: 1:16:30

It hurts so bad. All right. So people are going to be inspired by this. Have information for you, want information from you. Are you comfortable with people reaching out to you?

[grace ellis]: 1:16:40

Yeah,

[Supdaily]: 1:16:41

Where's the best place for them to do that?

[grace ellis]: 1:16:43

my cell phone number is...

[Supdaily]: 1:16:44

OK, hold on. No, don't do that.

[grace ellis]: 1:16:49

The only thing I'm ever really on is Instagram and that is like rarely but I still check it every once in a while.

[Supdaily]: 1:16:56

and your Instagram,

[grace ellis]: 1:16:56

What's my

[Supdaily]: 1:16:57

it's Gracie Dean or

[grace ellis]: 1:16:59

Yeah, that's right. G-R-A-C-E-Y-D-E-A-N.

[Supdaily]: 1:17:03

Mm-hmm.

[grace ellis]: 1:17:04

Right?

[Supdaily]: 1:17:04

Yes, I believe so. I talked to you in real life. I don't really talk to you on social media

[grace ellis]: 1:17:09

So, okay. I think she... I know! It's so bizarre.

[Supdaily]: 1:17:11

Well

[grace ellis]: 1:17:11

Every time I see you on social media, I'm like, that is so interesting.

[Supdaily]: 1:17:15

Why? Why?

[grace ellis]: 1:17:17

It's just so cute that, like, you're... You're just, like... I feel like I can talk to you just by, like, watching your cute little videos.

[Supdaily]: 1:17:25

Oh, the

[grace ellis]: 1:17:25

Cause

[Supdaily]: 1:17:25

key.

[grace ellis]: 1:17:25

that's... It's all dumb shit you'd say to me anyways.

[Supdaily]: 1:17:29

Yep, at least you can validate that what I say online is the same stuff that

[grace ellis]: 1:17:33

It's

[Supdaily]: 1:17:33

I would

[grace ellis]: 1:17:33

true.

[Supdaily]: 1:17:33

say in person.

[grace ellis]: 1:17:33

Yeah,

[Supdaily]: 1:17:34

There is very

[grace ellis]: 1:17:35

it's

[Supdaily]: 1:17:35

little

[grace ellis]: 1:17:35

very,

[Supdaily]: 1:17:35

difference.

[grace ellis]: 1:17:35

very true. So, you know, it's just like, it's so cute. I just look at you and I'm like, okay, that's enough.

[Supdaily]: 1:17:41

That's enough interaction with Chris.

[grace ellis]: 1:17:43

I feel like we've talked for the day.

[Supdaily]: 1:17:46

Yeah. Well, thank you for being on again. I'm excited to put this out because I think it's going to be helpful to other people, but has it been helpful to you?

[grace ellis]: 1:17:54

Yeah,

[Supdaily]: 1:17:54

Good.

[grace ellis]: 1:17:55

it always is,

[Supdaily]: 1:17:56

Good.

[grace ellis]: 1:17:56

just like last time.

[Supdaily]: 1:17:57

Good. Well, thank you

[grace ellis]: 1:17:58

I love

[Supdaily]: 1:17:58

for

[grace ellis]: 1:17:58

you.

[Supdaily]: 1:17:59

being on unfiltered friends and I love you too.

[grace ellis]: 1:18:03

Bye!

[Supdaily]: 1:18:04

Bye.