Unfiltered Friends

How to be a foster parent w/ Peter Mutzbazi

• Chris Thompson • Episode 30

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[Supdaily]:

and then I'll pitch to you, because we're gonna cut this together where it'll cut to you. So it'll be first me, then you. And it's Mutabazi or Basi or Basi. Mutabazi, so

[peter]:

Motabazi.

[Supdaily]:

cool. I'm sorry. Again, really, really generic name. So, okay. Hello, unfiltered friends. This subject, foster care adoption, is one that I've been curious about for a long time. Uh, I have several friends that went through that system or also act as foster parents. And so that's what I'm really excited to have on Peter Mutabazi. Cause he, I believe if I'm not mistaken, has experience on both ends of the system being in the system, as well as taking, uh, adopting kids from the system. Is that correct?

[peter]:

Yes, absolutely,

[Supdaily]:

Yeah.

[peter]:

yes you're right, yes.

[Supdaily]:

How often, um, is that the case where someone was in the foster care system and then themselves becomes a foster parent?

[peter]:

No, it's rare. It's rare to find someone who walked the journey to be able to do the same. Maybe there's more moms that really went through the system that have a passion, empathy for kids in the system that are able to truly be foster moms, but men less for sure.

[Supdaily]:

Yeah, that was actually one. We're just get into that. So usually at the, at towards the end, I have questions from my Patreon supporters, but since this connects to one of those questions, by the way, if you want to support on Patreon, patreon.com slash unfiltered friends, but the question came from, uh, uh, Anika says, do you, how do you navigate the problematic, problematic treatment of single dads? Do you find that it's greatly different? What are common things that you hear as a single dad in the foster system?

[peter]:

Well, first of all, they are rare. I mean, you know, I studied in Oklahoma and I was the only male in the entire state. You know, I'm in Charlotte, North Carolina. There's like maybe two of us. So it's rare to find men in the false care. But also that is a challenge as well, because we are rare. Sometimes I think we are not paid attention to or we're considered as, huh, what are you doing? You know,

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm

[peter]:

what's the reason why you're doing that? Or, you know, we don't get much help because we, you know, when the system has always geared to helping moms, think of, man, what do you need? But also I think we have a problem as well. It's hard for me to ask for help, because naturally I feel I can fix anything or I can do anything that I'm learning to be vulnerable. Like hey, I ought to come alongside others and say, hey, I'm struggling here, how can you help? Or I need here, how can you meet my needs? So it's rare, but it's also good as well. I've been a foster dad for the last six years. I've had 32 kids. None of them has ever said, I wish we had a mom, you know?

[Supdaily]:

Hmm

[peter]:

they all never had a dad. So for having me as a dad, they are more like, this is really rare and fun and we won't wanna miss it in some way. So it's been a joy for sure. And then the other side is for me as a black man with five white kids,

[Supdaily]:

Yes.

[peter]:

the challenge I get to have is, everywhere I go I'm questioned, are you the father?

[Supdaily]:

Mmm.

[peter]:

Are you fit to be a dad to white kids? Or do you really have what it takes to be a dad? And then the other side is like ignorance. never seen something it's easy to kind of look at it with a second eye like wait do I see what I'm seeing you know

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

that that's the look we get to have everywhere we go in the supermarket in the mall at school in the clinics you know what what are you

[Supdaily]:

Yeah.

[peter]:

doing with those kids you know and I've been stopped by by the police nine times because someone called and said there's something unusual here

[Supdaily]:

Wait, you had the police called on you while you

[peter]:

Nine...

[Supdaily]:

were out with your foster kids?

[peter]:

Nine times.

[Supdaily]:

Nine times, can you tell one of those stories?

[peter]:

So one time we're at Chuck E. Cheese, you know, my kids love, you know, every kid loves to go to Chuck E. Cheese for me, I think it's the jam lab there. You know, so while we're there, my kid, you know, our kids have trauma, so you always know what they're about to do or what's about to spark them. So I knew my kid was about to go in the rage, so I, you know, gently took him outside. But while we're going outside, he's screaming and shouting and spitting at me. I mean, it's just, it's just chaos. So as we go to the car, I get to see a lady on the phone, and it's like, you know, hey, where's his mom? I'm like, no, I'm his mom and his dad, and I just walked away. You know, a few minutes later, I see the police. Basically, when she was asking me, she was on the phone calling the police, like, hey, there's a black man, and he has a kid who doesn't look like him, and he just doesn't seem right, you know? So the police came, and they're like, you know, I'm like, yeah, you know. What do you do? What do you do? You just... I always carry the paperwork everywhere I go in the car. I have paperwork for every child. Then when they stop me, I give them the paperwork. I mean, that's the best I can do. He's the authorization I have to be the dad to these kids. And it's sad.

[Supdaily]:

but you probably wouldn't be facing that, wouldn't have to carry that paperwork if you were white, essentially.

[peter]:

No, not absolutely, not at all. I was in Casco yesterday with my kids, and you know in Casco they give test of food,

[Supdaily]:

Yes.

[peter]:

so and my kids love that, so my kids would say that, Dad, can we go? And I walked with them, and the lady before she could serve them, she said, Hey, I will serve you, but you have to go get your parents. And my kids are like, but he's right here, what do you say I go get my parent? I mean, and I looked at this lady and said, Hey, it's not good for you to assume. You should have asked me, hey, are you the dad or the mom? I would have said yes or no, but for you to assume I'm not their father is wrong. And

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

then I said, I don't wanna make it a big deal, but if I was. white and my kids were black, would you have asked me that question? And genuinely she said no, I would not have because I see them here every day. And I said, well, you know, maybe now it's changed the opinion and assumptions that that's not true. And that also I think I've come to learn that, you know, that I have to be the beginner or the one to change the narrative. You know, if they have never seen Adam the First, yes, they're going to ask questions. But I think it's going to help me to not be mad or think how dare them, but rather, you know, be that example, be that teacher, be that first, hey, change the narrative and take it in a positive way rather than a negative way.

[Supdaily]:

It's good that you had that patience because that is like, I understand you had every right to be angry and frustrated and you probably did have those feelings. But you saw it as an opportunity to educate, which is going to, I think people look at the ignorance as something that is like, there's willful ignorance and then there's ignorance. Ignorance is just a lack of information. And now that person has been educated and you just hope in the future. that they utilize that because beyond that, then they enter into willful ignorance and there's no, I have very little patience for stuff like that because you have the info, you choose not to use it. That's your journey. So let's go, let's go back though. Let's go back to your experiences as a foster child. Were you a foster child in the United States or you're from Africa? Correct?

[peter]:

From Uganda, yeah, so,

[Supdaily]:

Uganda.

[peter]:

correct. So for me, I grew up poor of the poorest, grew up to a place where no one ever told me to dream or to be hopeful. grew up where I had to go fetch water, three miles walking at the age of four, twice a day. So think about like, you have to walk three miles and back and there's no time to be a child. So I never had an opportunity to be a kid or to think that there was hope for me. And then at the age of four, I began to realize that not only were we poor, but my father was the most abusive father you could think of, you know? That I never had any kind word from my father. All I had was, Peter, you're garbage. You never mount anything. never born so I don't have to feed you and as a kid when you hear all these you really don't want to see tomorrow but then the abuse didn't just come to me also came to my mother so you have one parent that should should take care of you but most times she got the abuse because she was advocating for you every time she said man the kids haven't eaten for days, would you provide food? What should you got the beatings for them? And as a kid to watch your mother go through that, it's really hard. When I was age of four, I thought, look, I know my father's gonna take my life, but why should I give him the chance? I had never been 20 miles away, so I went to the bus station and I said, hey, of all these buses, which one goes the farthest? And so the lady said that one, and I got on that bus, and I ran away. I had never been 20 miles away, I went 500 kilometers away. and I became a street kid in Campala. It was the only option I had and became a street kid. The abuse was a hundred times worse than home but at least there were strangers, you know, and that became and that became my life for five years and that's how I'm

[Supdaily]:

How did the abuse show up while you were a street kid?

[peter]:

Well, as street kids, we're abusing every shape, form. One, people would abuse us to carry things or do things for them. The beatings, we slept under the sewer, so most of the time they would pour acid or things, I mean, anything you could think of. They called us by names. And sometimes women used us sexually in the way we just knew, what do I do?

[Supdaily]:

as

[peter]:

And

[Supdaily]:

children

[peter]:

all,

[Supdaily]:

that

[peter]:

as children,

[Supdaily]:

women are using you on the street.

[peter]:

yes. And all the boys too, you know, on how they would abuse us as little kids. And we had no option. But also you believed you're trash. The people had the right to abuse you anyway they wanted. In some way you're like, well, I'm trash. There's no any other way in life.

[Supdaily]:

It's like reinforcing what your dad told you your whole life.

[peter]:

Exactly, you

[Supdaily]:

Yeah.

[peter]:

know, you grew up garbage boy, that's what you're told, and now you're really actually living in the garbage. You know, sometimes people would not feed us, but they would throw the food in the trash. By the time we get there, the dogs have already eaten the food, they won't get it because that's how people saw us. That's really garbage in some way. And that was my life for five years.

[Supdaily]:

So what point do you end up in the foster care system there? How do you go from street kid to foster care?

[peter]:

Well, so there, there's no false guess. So, but this is what happened. So I was trying to

[Supdaily]:

Oh.

[peter]:

steal. I was trying to steal from someone, you know? So as I was following him and trying to steal food from him, he stopped me and said, hey, what's your name? And that really shook me that someone wanted to know my name. You know, so I first of all walked away because for everyone who was kind was also abusive. So just because he asked my name, it wasn't a good sign. It was like, oh, he's about to abuse me in some way. But he did. And he fed me. and he left. I saw him the next week, the next week. By the fourth week I kind of knew what time he comes and what he buys. And so he fed me for one year and a half and one day he said, hey Peter if you have an opportunity to go school and live somewhere would you? And I'm like, hmm, I don't know, you know, because I knew in my life I would never mount anything. And I knew school was for people who have dreams, who have hope, who are family. Me, I didn't have that. But somehow I believed him because he said, if you go to school, there'll be lunch. dinner and breakfast. So for me, it's the food that attracted me

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

that I felt. So that's he put me in a boarding school and then he became my family. So that he was more like my first parent. That he took me off the streets and really changed my life and took me in because there's no false system there, but for him, for his kindness and for love of the most vulnerable, he just said, I'll help this kid. And that kid happened to be me.

[Supdaily]:

And you he so he put you into school. Was he housing you as well?

[peter]:

He put me in a boarding school where I had

[Supdaily]:

Okay.

[peter]:

to stay at school.

[Supdaily]:

Ah.

[peter]:

But four months later, once I made it to school, he brought me to his home. So he would say, hey, during the holidays, you can always come to home. And that became my family. And that's when I began to dream and learn, like, wait a minute, a dad can talk to their kids. They can sit on the table. Things I had never seen, I saw him be a good dad. And

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

that really changed my life.

[Supdaily]:

Do you still have contact with him?

[peter]:

Yes, most people think he's my dad. Yes,

[Supdaily]:

Yeah.

[peter]:

he is my dad. And not only did he put me in school, but I finished high school. And then I finished university in Uganda. And I went to university in England. And that's how I came to United States, through the kindness of one stranger who changed my life forever.

[Supdaily]:

What were some of the mindset shifts that happened once you got into that boarding school beyond just, oh, people can be kind? You started to believe in yourself and you started to believe in the capability for you to rise above your circumstance. What other things did you adjust going from the street to a boarding school?

[peter]:

Well, that was really difficult coming from a free world where I was unaccountable. There were no boundaries to a place where you had to live in a place. But for me, it was the food, but also the words of affirmation that I had. You know,

[Supdaily]:

Hmm

[peter]:

I had never had anyone say, you're smart. Like, really? You're you're special. Me, you're a gift. You're chosen. You belong. So the more words that positive words I had from these strangers and him as well, the more they I began to say, wait a minute, if you think I'm special, If you think I have something that matters, maybe I should get a D rather than an F, I should get a D. And then I would get a D and they'll say, Peter, you're so smart and you're chosen. I'll be like, maybe I should get a C. So the more words of affirmation I had from strangers, the more I began to believe myself. It's me who had to believe in myself because I never thought I had potential. I didn't know I had, you know, but until this person saw that, until other teachers and those who were around me said, hey, you have a potential, you can do it. I never had a pair of shoes until when I was 16 years old. So he gave me my first pair of shoes

[Supdaily]:

Wow.

[peter]:

as he was sending me to school. So I began to see how others treat each other. You know, for me, I was a thief. That's all I knew, you know,

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

but then I saw people who were like, hey, you know, come alongside, go play me. You want me to come?

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm

[peter]:

The more positive I saw people towards me, the more I began to believe like, wait a minute, Peter has something in him that he can use to be better as well.

[Supdaily]:

That's so incredible. Like people don't understand, this is something I'm starting to work on within myself is if I think something wonderful, a lot of times I would just keep it internal, but now I vocalize it and it's incredible. Just like the smallest bit of encouragement can really light a fire in people because you don't know their experience. You don't know the types of encouragement that they had or lacked growing up. So that's incredible. So you got encouraged all the way to college. You ended up going to the UK.

[peter]:

Yes, so, you know, of course I was really, I was able to really do well. But also what helped me to do well was because I began to believe that my father's words I had as a kid were lies, you know, and I think I wanted to prove to him that you're wrong, you know, that why you wish me wrong, but that's really not who I was that I wanted to say, you know, you wish me the worst, but he's how I'm turned up in a good way. So it was my way to show him that he was wrong. So that really helped me to excel in school. And I excelled and went to high school and got a scholarship to go study in England.

[Supdaily]:

Did you have contact with him after that? Because you just how old were you when you took that bus?

[peter]:

10.

[Supdaily]:

You were 10. Did you have when did you did you keep contact with him? Like.

[peter]:

No, until later, until when I was 18, 19, and I was doing well in school, and I wanted to go back. And I loved my mom and my siblings as well. I'm the oldest of five, and I

[Supdaily]:

Hmm.

[peter]:

knew I could not take them away with me, but I knew they were still in the same situation I was. But I wanted to give them hope, like, hey, if I can do it, you can do it as well. But also I wanted to say, I can give you education that no one can ever take away from you. So I needed to make contact with my family. And I loved my mom. as well and that's really what helped me to go back and try to do the best I can to help them.

[Supdaily]:

Was your mom okay? Cause I know your mom was facing a lot of abuse too. It was like, has that cleared up for her or is that still her reality?

[peter]:

It got better when I went to England, because in that way I was able to provide for her what she needed.

[Supdaily]:

Hmm...

[peter]:

She didn't have to depend on my father. But

[Supdaily]:

Hmm...

[peter]:

yes, I think he's still verbally abusive. What comes out of his mouth sometimes isn't really kind and nice. But sometimes you get to accept, I don't know. I could not do that, but they're in a position where they can accept him and love him who he is. For me, I had to really distance myself from him. But also for me now, I'm there for my family to say, you don't have to listen to what he says. You don't have to

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

depend on him, but I can provide your needs.

[Supdaily]:

That I had a guy on my podcast who was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder and he said the most common way that they manipulate the people. I'm not saying that your dad is a narcissist, but you know, some of the things kind of align, um, he said the most common way that people don't think about is financial. They financially isolate you. So you're constantly dependent on them and need to stay attached to them. so that you can't leave. It's about control. Did you see that, witness that in your family dynamic?

[peter]:

Well, in Africa, Judy My Tam, you know, remember, it's a men first, women second

[Supdaily]:

Hmm.

[peter]:

class citizen and children. So women have, you know, now things have changed, but Judy My Tam, you know, my father could do whatever he wanted to my mom and there's nothing, no one could stop him in some way because she was seen as a second class citizen, you know? So that's a diorama of sometimes where culture really, you know, gets in the way of, you know, how people treat bad

[Supdaily]:

Yeah, I

[peter]:

towards

[Supdaily]:

grew up

[peter]:

others.

[Supdaily]:

in a very matriarchal family. Like it was me and dad and like eight women and none of those women were to be played with. So it's really interesting hearing how different the dynamics are culturally. But it's the norm there. So it's like no one questions it because that's just the hierarchy. And we had that here in the United States as well. We just moved from it to it to a degree. So you go to college in the UK. What do you study?

[peter]:

So I said crisis management, you know, and business administration. So that's what I really wanted to help, you know, the crisis in Africa and be there for during that time. You know, so it was fun. It was really fun.

[Supdaily]:

what crisis was happening in Africa at that time that you really wanted to intervene or add your input into.

[peter]:

You know, so my dad is from Rwanda. So I had worked during the genocide in Rwanda in 1994. So I knew, you know, the challenge of what they had gone through, you know, to lose almost a million people in eight weeks. That's crazy, you know,

[Supdaily]:

That's crazy.

[peter]:

but also, you know, Uganda, we, we, below Sudan, you know, for what was happening in Sudan was bad, really, really, really bad. You know, so I had, you know, grown up from a, you know, from a, a place in the world that had Tamil at all times, you know, that I thought I could, you know, bring an impact or be able to really help during that time.

[Supdaily]:

Can you educate me a little bit on what exactly was going on back then? Because, you know, 94, I was, you know, not conscious enough to like totally understand, but I knew bad stuff was happening. Eight weeks, a million people. What?

[peter]:

We're slaughtered.

[Supdaily]:

What happened? How did I'm sorry. Excuse my ignorance, but I really want to understand.

[peter]:

You know, for your viewers, most of you have watched Hotel Rwanda, so you know the genocide

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm

[peter]:

that happened in Rwanda. You know, but basically it was one, you know, one group of people against the other, you know, and they were willing to do whatever it takes to literally vanish, make sure that they killed every one of them. And it happened, you know, because the president of that country then, you know, is the one who really encouraged people like go out, Go out and protect yourselves. But really, why are you protecting from yourself? The neighbor, the person you're married to was really what happened. And this was a division which was brought years ago because of colonialism between the Belgian, French, and Ugandan, and Rwandese that had caused rift between families, the same families, but somehow had created this enmity between each other. But when... When the president really sparked the whole thing, I mean, they went, I mean, they just went home to home and killed children and women and everyone who they thought wasn't their tribe. And literally in eight weeks,

[Supdaily]:

So was the

[peter]:

eight

[Supdaily]:

president

[peter]:

million.

[Supdaily]:

of Rwanda was doing this?

[peter]:

Of one.

[Supdaily]:

And what was the group that he had an issue with?

[peter]:

They had issues with a different tribe, the Tutsi and the Hutu. So that's kind of how the culture looked at them in some way. But these are same family that were somehow brought this division between each other by the colonial powers.

[Supdaily]:

Hmm.

[peter]:

And it had gone so far away that they were willing to really have each other for no reason. These are people who look the same, grown up from the same country, married to each other. But somehow. because someone didn't like that.

[Supdaily]:

So, okay, so you say, is Hotel Rwanda a good movie if I wanted to educate myself to watch?

[peter]:

Yes, it's a

[Supdaily]:

Okay.

[peter]:

tough one, but it will help you. It will

[Supdaily]:

Yeah,

[peter]:

help you.

[Supdaily]:

but I mean, I like tough conversations. I like educating myself on that stuff because I know that the information that we get here is a little filtered, and so

[peter]:

Yes.

[Supdaily]:

I wanna get more accurate information. So you get your degree in crisis management, and then how do you end up in the US?

[peter]:

You know, yesterday, so one day I'm walking in Sudan, you know, I'm in a refugee camp, you know, and I see this 18-year-old American, you know, walking, I'm like, what are you doing here, you know? you know, you're 18, he's like, well, I'm here to help and feed the people. I'm like, oh, OK. I was dating an American. So I was like, hey, if you ever need time away, come to Kampala and hang out with us. You know, he came and he got to meet me and he's like, man, I love the way you love kids. I love the way you love people. So when he came to the United States, he's like, man, I met this guy in Uganda and he, you know, he's worthy invited, giving a scholarship to come and study here. And sure enough, that's all he did. You know, and one day I get a phone call like, hey, accepted, you know, you can come and study and that's how I came to yes, you know, and it was a joy, a shock for sure

[Supdaily]:

Yeah.

[peter]:

to move from Uganda to Los Angeles

[Supdaily]:

So that's where you moved, is to LA.

[peter]:

Yes, that's why I moved.

[Supdaily]:

Where, what years were you in LA?

[peter]:

2002.

[Supdaily]:

till just for 2002.

[peter]:

No, 2002 until 2006.

[Supdaily]:

Okay, we were there at the same time. Cool.

[peter]:

Yeah.

[Supdaily]:

Yeah. So what kind of concepts did you have in the United States before you came there and was it different when you got here?

[peter]:

Well, you know, I lived in Europe first. I've gone to France, to Italy, to all these kinds. So, you know, I think the shocking part was more the food. Like, how much food do you eat? How

[Supdaily]:

A

[peter]:

much

[Supdaily]:

lot.

[peter]:

food do they give you? Ha ha ha!

[Supdaily]:

So much food. And then like in the Midwest and the South, you're in North Carolina.

[peter]:

Yes.

[Supdaily]:

The South does not play around with their portion sizes.

[peter]:

No.

[Supdaily]:

Well, at all.

[peter]:

That

[Supdaily]:

At

[peter]:

was

[Supdaily]:

all.

[peter]:

the most shocking. Like, you know, you go to, you know, you're in Paris and they give you coffee. It's like this little and you paid five dollars for it,

[Supdaily]:

Yeah.

[peter]:

you know. And here you come, you pay two dollars and they give you a jug of, you know,

[Supdaily]:

America!

[peter]:

coffee.

[Supdaily]:

So you were, so you had a scholarship to come to the United States?

[peter]:

Yes.

[Supdaily]:

And then you studied further?

[peter]:

Yes, so I went to the Masters University in Santa Clarita, so I studied

[Supdaily]:

Mmm.

[peter]:

business and theology, and that's where I spent four years learning.

[Supdaily]:

So where did the, at what moment did the idea of you getting involved with the foster care system or the adoption system, when did that become reality for you? Something you thought about?

[peter]:

So I was hanging out with a friend, you know? And so he was excited about his child. So he's like, man, I'm really going home. We just have a baby and we're excited about it. So I'm like, okay. So he shows me the picture. And the picture is of a black kid. And this guy's wild. I'm like, how does that work? You know, how do you have a black kid and your wife? He's like, well, it's about, he came to us because mom and dad could not take care of the baby. And they were on drugs. So, you know, the child is now to the system. And I'm like, And so he educated me and from then then I was like now I really understand and if there's any impact I can make it's these because I don't want it moving from home to home and sometimes really dealing with trauma And I looked back in my own life. I was like that was me as a kid You know that if I have to make an impact is truly to help the kids That I know are walking the same journey as I was from there I really really wanted to but I had traveled all over the world person who was adapting or who was... doing anything to do with kids all over the world, I always saw white people. And so I knew as a single man, there's no way they can allow me to do so. So for me going to the foster care, I said, I would like to mentor teenagers because I thought at least they can allow me to mentor. Until the social worker said, hey, have you ever thought of being a foster dad? I was like, yes, I have, but I don't qualify to be. And she's like, what do you mean? I'm like, I'm single. She's like, well, 30% of foster parents a single woman. You can't be outside. Really?

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

Well, I signed up that day to be, you know, to truly be a foster dad and, you know, and since then it's really been an amazing journey. But also I think I struggled to live in the most wealthiest place on the planet. and be able to say, you can have so much, but at the same time have so little to do with those who live among us. And I could not understand that. And two, for me, I was also in a very religious... setting as well that they say you know love your neighbor, careful the sick, be there but at the same time like but how do you say it but don't do you know so for me I just didn't want to live a life of I can only listen as I can know I cannot be a stand buyer I'm truly going to walk and do something for someone because one I have the resource but two I know what that means and so for me that's really what pushed me to want to be a foster dad.

[Supdaily]:

How do you say I, starting from square one, I want to get involved with becoming a foster parent? What's the process for how extensive is it for becoming a foster parent?

[peter]:

So one, you have to be licensed. You need two things, a hat for the kids and room for the kids. Do

[Supdaily]:

Hmm.

[peter]:

you have an extra bedroom? Do you have one, two or two? That's really all that matters. And two, your background check. Have you done anything horrible before because they will not allow you to be a false friend if you have a bad record? And that's pretty much all you need. How I can be there for kids. but two, you have to have a heart and space. And then you go to the, you know, to the foster care system, either through privacy or government, and then you're licensed. In other words, you take 10 weeks to learn how to be a parent. And it's more to do with how to be a parent to kids with trauma and how the system works, the policies, the bureaucracy. And once you get to understand that, then you'll be licensed to be a foster parent.

[Supdaily]:

Do you think that because of your traumatic upbringing it gave you more perspective on what these kids are going through when they came to you or was there not really a connection?

[peter]:

Absolutely, I would say 99.9 of the experience I'm facing with kids, it's more, it helps me because I walked it, you know? So think this way. I've had kids who steal food. Are they stealing because they love to steal? No,

[Supdaily]:

Mm-mm.

[peter]:

because they went to bed hungry every day and they cannot fathom that there's food tomorrow. So whatever they have today, they're gonna keep it for tomorrow.

[Supdaily]:

Yeah.

[peter]:

You know, I've had kids who sabotage. Sabotage means every time there's something coming towards them, they'll reject it. Why? Because they've been rejected over and over. And what's the better way to do it before someone does it for you? You know, having faith in people, like just not trusting people. Well, I was that kid. The people that abused me the most were the kindest people. So being kind doesn't mean you are a good person. So a kid of going through trauma abuse by their own parents or relatives, that's danger, danger, you know,

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

but I understand it so well. So for me, the trauma is so so something that I understand. Also trauma is we tend to see the outside, but we never get to see where it's coming from. You know, and that's the trouble. The kid is behaving at school, not good. You know, he's doing one, two, three, four, but they never really go back deeper to say, but what's causing that? If you miss your mom, you've never seen your mom for the last two years, you haven't heard from them. You've been moved from one end to the other without your consent. Tell me, how should you be happy? Or why should you trust anyone?

[Supdaily]:

Right. You've had much like you, you've had a certain lived experience. That's your reality. So I can imagine that when these kids come into your care, they have that that same element that you did when you were adjusting to the kindness of the man who then put you in the boarding school, where they're not sure about what's going on or how to act or if they even are OK with you. What is your process for adjusting a foster kid to being in your care?

[peter]:

Well, for me, I have to know by their age, what's their age and where they're coming from. And let them be part of my journey. Like, I mean, you have no idea how many beddings I have because every kid who comes, I want them to go pick up their own beddings. It's

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

their own bedroom. You know, I remove everything on the wall because I wanted to make it theirs. You know,

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

I want to go to the grocery store and I want to say, what food do you like? You know, show me what you like. What do you mom fed you? What you miss about your mom? So I can get those things for the child. And then. be there to make sure that I don't, you know, I try to really live their lives rather than want them to live my life, you know?

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

You know, some kids have never sat on the dining table, they don't have no clue what to do. Well, you know, how do you eat your food? If it's in the bedroom, for a few weeks, we're gonna eat from your bedroom, because that's all you know, and I wanna make sure that you feel comfortable, you know? So I have to be in the child's shoes to make sure that my way of life, isn't inflicting where they're coming from, but first learn where they're coming from and then integrate them within my own family. That doesn't make sense, you know?

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

So let me go to their world first before I can let them into my world, you know? Because they don't know you, they don't trust you. You're in a home where they have no clue of, you know? And then the other part, not to have expectations for my kids, to have low expectations. In other words, if a child is 10, I should think they are six.

[Supdaily]:

Hmm.

[peter]:

If a child is 15, they should be 10. In that way helps me the behaviors or where they're coming from. Because most of our kids are stunted in growth, you know? That they are 16, but really what they do, you know, is 11 year old. And having that knowledge helps me to not be like, how dare you do that? But rather, how can I help you to overcome this?

[Supdaily]:

So it sounds like you just have to put yourself in their shoes and

[peter]:

out of all tones.

[Supdaily]:

at all times and think about them, not, not personalize the things that are happening because you, it, it, it, you had a similar experience where like you had your experiences. I think a lot of people, uh, would take it as rejection. If the, if the kid came into the house and wasn't like immediately like loving and accepting and you understand. So you just kind of. live in their world until they can adjust to yours.

[peter]:

Absolutely, because they didn't choose to come to my home. They were forced to come to my home. So why should they be nice to me? No, no, you

[Supdaily]:

Yeah.

[peter]:

know. Or I've had kids, teens who yell and call me names, you know? But to know that, hey, they are in a safe place and that's why they are able to verbalize what they are feeling. And in that moment, to make sure that I can put myself aside, say, Peter, it's not about you. So I step aside so I can hear what they are feeling, even when I don't like the language they're using to tell me their feelings. expressing who they are. And for me, I believe every child should be seen, known and heard. And heard sometimes, even when it's hard to hear them.

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm

[peter]:

Make sure they are heard in so many ways.

[Supdaily]:

Have you had, um, if you can share, have you had an adjustment that was particularly tough that you eventually were successful with?

[peter]:

Oh yes, you know, I've had kids not one, not two, where they, you know, they come in and two days you're like, boy, how are we going to survive? You know, are they going to set my house on fire or I'm going to sleep and I need to... be aware of my surroundings,

[Supdaily]:

Yeah.

[peter]:

you know? But you have to understand where they are coming from and why they are feeling that way, or why they are scared that way. And I can promise you, along the way, you will win. I had a child who would cry for four hours, nonstop. Four

[Supdaily]:

Four

[peter]:

hour,

[Supdaily]:

hours.

[peter]:

nonstop.

[Supdaily]:

Whoa.

[peter]:

But then I learned, okay, I'm gonna let him, because sometimes the kids will cry and they've reached a point of no return that they don't know how to come back.

[Supdaily]:

Hmm.

[peter]:

know and for me to give them an opportunity to go as far as they can but stay there you know you cry four hours and then we'll sit there and then we'll cry three hours and slowly slowly we go to 20 minutes you know

[Supdaily]:

Yeah.

[peter]:

why why because I was willing to be patient and understand why why why he was feeling well why always feeling and what was making him cry for that long

[Supdaily]:

I mean, I feel like maybe there's an aspect of like, they weren't ever in a position to be safe to cry. So finally they're in a place where they can and they're just letting it out. Like that's a whole lot of stored feelings.

[peter]:

Right? Or they're crying because it's the only way they can get their attention. Like nobody, no

[Supdaily]:

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

[peter]:

one ever paid attention to them that they will cry so they can be hard.

[Supdaily]:

Are there cases where the fostering does not work out?

[peter]:

For me, I've never had any because I'm that, I don't know, I'm that, I'm willing to go in no matter what, you know?

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

Unless if it's safe for the kids who are already in the house,

[Supdaily]:

Yeah.

[peter]:

you know, there you have to think about the kids you have. But most times, you know, I've had kids who I'll be as long as I can as they look for the next of kin or a family that suits their behaviors.

[Supdaily]:

What's that? What is the emotional process of letting a child go that's been in your foster care that you have a connection with? That's got to be really hard. How do you do that?

[peter]:

That is the hardest part of foster care because no one can train you when they're gonna say goodbye and how they're gonna go. I've had kids who have had for two years and a half, they know you as dad, every moment of your life is all about these kids. And one night, there's no warning, one night, they're gone, you know? And the feeling can be... traumatizing in so many ways. But I think for me, I've come to learn and understand that hey, my job as a foster parent is temporary. It's to be there for children so they can go back. It's not for me to fall in love and keep them or adopt them, but my job is to be there while mom and dad cannot take care of themselves. And I think that's why we foster parents fail, you know, because our expectations go in a different place than we signed up for. Foster care is temporary. help the child so mom and dad can take of themselves and come back. And I think for us who get to love on the kids, we love on them and then say, you know what, I'll love to keep you for the rest of my life. Well, that's not my job. That's not my call to do, you know, but rather that's up to their parents and the government. And I think that's where sometimes we get it wrong because we fall in love and forget like, hey, these kids have to go back. But for me, I'm willing to fall in love knowing they'll go back, you know? that I love them so much, but do everything I can and work with their parents so they can have them back. And I think for me that helps, but also I keep in touch with them when I've shown the parents like, hey, I'm not here to take your parents, your kids. I'm here to come alongside so you can have your kids back.

[Supdaily]:

I never thought of fostering as giving them back to the parents that you're fostering from. I've always thought of it as they don't have parents, you foster them until they find adoptive parents. Are both those things true or is it just...

[peter]:

Yes, they're both

[Supdaily]:

Okay.

[peter]:

true. But from the initial, from the get go, it's so they can go back to their parent or their next of kin. So let's say there's a child whose parents have been sexually abusing the child. Well, they cannot go back to the parent, but they can go back to an aunt, an uncle, a grandma. So you see, so it's still family, but it's a far-distance family. So just because the crumb is here, it doesn't mean the other members of the family are excluded. They are still potential parents, and they always prefer the kids go back to a member of the family. They don't have to be biological, but a member, an aunt, an uncle somewhere. So it's always the plan from the get-go. Never

[Supdaily]:

Mmm.

[peter]:

adaption, unless if the parents bring the child to the... to the county, DSSN say, I cease to be a parent and I want to cut off the parental rights. Like, I don't want to be a parent anymore, which they call the ricocheting the rights to be a parent.

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

There, they can be adapted right away. Because the parents have already said, I don't want to be a parent.

[Supdaily]:

Hmm. So you do sometimes foster to adoption.

[peter]:

Yes, it's, you know, I don't like to use the word for to adapt because it's, it's a wrong way because you know you You can't force it so you can adapt them You can only force it but if there's no place to go you will willing to adapt them. Does make sense? You

[Supdaily]:

Yeah,

[peter]:

know

[Supdaily]:

I think I was referring to like adopt them to like another family that was looking to adopt a child.

[peter]:

Right, or even me, like I never want to give them someone else to adopt. If I have the child, I want to be the final family if they can't

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm

[peter]:

go home, you know. But the idea is they go back home. But if they can't, I want to be the first person to have them for the rest of their lives. Makes sense?

[Supdaily]:

How many kids has that happened for you, where you ended up adopting them after fostering them? Just one.

[peter]:

Out of 32, just one.

[Supdaily]:

Why only one time? Is it just because you're just real successful at getting them to family?

[peter]:

Yes,

[Supdaily]:

Look at

[peter]:

the

[Supdaily]:

you.

[peter]:

parent...

[Supdaily]:

Ha

[peter]:

You

[Supdaily]:

ha ha ha.

[peter]:

know, when you walk, you know, think about, you know, think about this. You're 14 and you have a baby, but your mother was in foster care. Like, who taught you to be a mom? No one, you know?

[Supdaily]:

Yeah.

[peter]:

You know, I am the most... You and I, we are the most resourceful, educated people you know. We know where to go when things go wrong. Some who've never gone to school, they've never been parents. When they have nowhere to go, what happens? the kids end up in the false care. But if we come alongside and say, I know what you like, but I'm gonna provide that for you. Yes, they're gonna have their kids back. So for me, yes, of 32, well, I still have four right now, but they're either going to the grandparent or the aunt or their bioparents.

[Supdaily]:

Can you tell the story of the one child that you adopted?

[peter]:

Yes, I can. So. I wasn't ready to take in a child because Eleven had gone back home and I'm like, I'm done with this thing,

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

I'm done with a headache. This was on a Monday when I told my social worker, hey, I think I need a break, I can't do this anymore. And she said, sure, take off time. On Friday she calls me, I'm literally Friday the same week. She's like, hey Peter, can you help? I'm like, no, there's a kid at the hospital, we just need him to have a place to stay. I said, no, I said, just the weekend, I'll pick him up on Monday. I was like, OK, for you, I'm going to do this for you. So the kid comes in after in the morning, you know, and I remember he was in my house for like 10 minutes. So I called him, I said, hey, my name is Peter. I'm too bad, but just call me Peter. And this kid looks at me and says, but can I call you my dad?

[Supdaily]:

Wow.

[peter]:

Exactly. Well, I didn't say that. I said, hell no. You can't

[Supdaily]:

Hahahaha

[peter]:

call me. And he looked at me like, oh, no, I'm he's like, you know, it's like, no, I was told I'm 11. I can choose who my father should be. I'm choosing you to be my dad. I'm like, dude, stop it.

[Supdaily]:

He

[peter]:

You

[Supdaily]:

immediately went to dad. Oh wow.

[peter]:

You know, I'm like, no. So I said no until they came to pick him up on Monday. I was like, okay, now can you tell me why? Because I didn't ask him why he was left at the hospital. And that's when I found out that, you know, he came in the foster care at a very young age and then he was adopted at four. And this family that adopted him just dropped him at the hospital. And they went to the county and signed off their parental rights. They didn't want to be there. his parents anymore with no reason, no saying goodbye. And I think that took me back to my own 10 year old on the streets of Kampala thinking my life is over.

[Supdaily]:

Mmm.

[peter]:

And I think that really, you know, I didn't want him to go through that. And I, immediately I knew this kid called me dad and he wants me to be his dad. I think he knows I'm gonna be his dad. And I told the social worker, I said, come on, give me those paperwork. And so he went to school and two years later, I adopted him. So crazy, crazy how things

[Supdaily]:

Wow.

[peter]:

happen.

[Supdaily]:

Yeah. And she got she had your number too. She knew if she pushed you enough that you were going to cave and take them. But

[peter]:

Oh

[Supdaily]:

like

[peter]:

yes.

[Supdaily]:

I can imagine the whole like I was never a foster parent, but I was a step parent. So I was entering a family that I was not originally a part of. And that whole conversation around like whether they call you dad or not, I remember was quite a thing as a step parent. What's it like as a foster parent? Like I'm assuming that there's maybe resistance. to calling you dad or is it usual for them to lean in and wanna call, treat you as dad?

[peter]:

I think for me, remember men are rare in the false care. So

[Supdaily]:

Hmm.

[peter]:

I think for me being a dad, it's an automatic, the thing they never had, you know? Like literally my kids do well because at school their friends are saying, my dad did this, my dad did this. And I think they want that, they don't have one. And once they have one, they're like, yeah, my dad, like they join

[Supdaily]:

Hmm

[peter]:

the conversation and it becomes normal for them because they have one thing that. everyone has that they don't have. So for me, I think it's been more of an automatic thing, right away, no matter what age they are, they're

[Supdaily]:

Oh,

[peter]:

like

[Supdaily]:

no,

[peter]:

that.

[Supdaily]:

man. I think that might just be an aspect of who you are as a person, too. Like, I read people like a book and I didn't really, I wasn't familiar with you. One of my viewers was. And when I started to research, I was like, this guy's light. That's what you are. Like, you, you are exactly where you're meant to be, helping with these kids. And like, so I think because of what you exude, you have that, you have that effect on a lot of these children. But I also hear you know, as an outsider to the system, I always hear these horror stories about the foster care system. And what are some misconceptions about foster care that you hear that are true? Or maybe like that aren't true or are true? Like what do you hear about foster care system from

[peter]:

Eh.

[Supdaily]:

outsiders that you usually have to correct on?

[peter]:

I mean, I think they all think every child is bad, like every kid in the false case, but that's not true, and that's why I created a YouTube and show the video, because I wanna show, hey, what you've had is not true, our kids are just regular kids, they are no more kids like anyone else, so that's not true. The other part is they think their bioparents are the worst human being, like not necessarily, it's not always that their parents are bad, they're good people trapped in something that... you know, cause their kids to be in the foster care. So those are some of the stigmas that I think. You know, all they say, you know, adapting in foster care is really, really hard. Well, it's hard because the approach, you know, we see the kids, we're like, well, I want to adapt them. No, you know, we want to give them the parents opportunity to do the best they can so they can have their kids back. You know, so, yes, there's a lot of stigma out there, you know, you know, that people have, but that is that's really, you know, not true. And anyone can be you don't have to, you know. to have a house, you can rent, you know, you can be a renter and still be a dad or a mom. Also, you know, I'm single, so you can be single and still be a parent. It's not like, I think most people, when they see me, they're like, wow, a man? We didn't know they allow men to force

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

a, yes! 30% of moms are single women. So even dads are as needed as anyone else that I would say. But

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

they are normal kids, they are really fun kids and you get to love on them, you get to really know them. So, yes.

[Supdaily]:

I mean, what do you say about, like, cause I do hear about abusive foster parent situations. That has to be true if you hear it as often as you do, like where's your mind at when you hear about stuff like that? How is that addressed within the foster care system where someone essentially treats these kids almost like a meal ticket and doesn't really take care of them? Are those stories true?

[peter]:

Oh yes, they're true. They say what? To be honest, 30% of the kids are abused by the false parents. I mean, it is true, you know? And it's heartening in some way. There are some people who are not well informed on trauma and they treat kids like, you know, have bad behaviors. They haven't taken time to really learn on best way to deal with their trauma. It's like any other system. It's hard to read the wrong person. You always get to know it when it's too late. I don't know how much I live in North Carolina. We're paid peanuts. Like literally, you can't pay my gas

[Supdaily]:

Hmm.

[peter]:

for the money they provide for you. How do you survive on foster care? But yes, you're right. There's some people who, yeah, they'll feed kids Roman noodles from Monday to Monday for most of their lives. But also there's lack of Not to blame it on the social system as well, because we don't have that many social workers that are really involved in the depth of the children. And so these abuses will go for a long time because our systems are overloaded. Think about my social worker, the least they have is 10 cases. Think about one human being, 10 cases of kids. How can she give 20%? Hmm? Not

[Supdaily]:

It's not possible.

[peter]:

possible. Not possible at all. So yes, there's some times, yes, when, you know, I feel the false appearance, you know, doing the right thing to protect our kids. It's true, but here's my catch. It doesn't stop us from reaching out and being there for kids. I think everyone is scared of the system, like the system is horrible, trust me. There's no system in Uganda, no system at all. But they still take care of us, you know. For me to let your viewers know that... from every file there's a human being on the other side.

[Supdaily]:

Yeah.

[peter]:

You

[Supdaily]:

Yeah.

[peter]:

know, they say what 70% of kids who are trafficked were former foster kids. So you see, in order to stop one, we have to go to the source where

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

it's all beginning. You know, homelessness, you know how many people are homeless? If you go back, almost like 40% were former foster kids. Incarceration in jail. Most of our kids, that's where they end up, because no one ever came alongside and said, hey, I'm gonna journey with you and help you so you can be in the right place.

[Supdaily]:

And that's tough. Because you hear about these kids that stay in the system till they age out. And then what do they do at that point?

[peter]:

Exactly, no one can, you know, I have two, I have a 17 and 19 year old. If I wasn't there, yes, I mean, he would be homeless. Because if we are not willing to generalize them all the way, and we have to intervene earlier, we can't wait until they are 18 and say, okay, I'm gonna help you. No, we have to begin with eight, 10, 11, and say, here, I wanna be in your life so I can change the outcome at the end of the day.

[Supdaily]:

What are some things within the system in the United States that you think need the most attention? Like things that need to change about the foster system, whether it be support or like what happens while the children are in the homes?

[peter]:

Ooh, that's a tough one, you know.

[Supdaily]:

It is.

[peter]:

I mean, the bureaucracy, just to... get a letter for me to take my kids on holiday. I mean, I need weeks and weeks in order to approve the channels they have to go through the judges, the lawyers, like, it's insane, you know, when you want to do a simple thing, how the levels they have to go through. Again, you know, everyone is making sure everyone's doing the right thing that we end up losing who are we caring for, you know, I think that's that's the high rule. The other part is that I think we're asking too much of the parents. I think me coming from a poor family, my mom was a good mom, amazing mom. Yes, we're living in a house of 400 square foot, but she was a good mom. So for us, when we take kids away from their parents, we'll say, if you want your kids back, you have to have a two bedroom, you have to have a job, and you have to have a car. What? They couldn't afford those when they are kids. Why do you think they should afford the? you're asking them right now that I think sometimes we set the standards too high the parents will give away or will give up before they even try you know

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm. I mean you you hear these stories about you know, I even said it myself You know, they treat these kids like a meal ticket and now you're telling me that like you don't even get paid that much In order to take care of these kids Is it possible to just live as a foster parent and make enough money to sustain the household or do you have to have another job?

[peter]:

So the requirement to be a false parent, you have to have a job, have your own insurance because they don't want you to depend on a child. They don't want your life to depend on the child. So you have to have a job, you have to have proof. You file. You know, you file your taxes, you know, I have to bring those to the DSS in order for them to allow me to be a false parent. You know, again, I live in North Carolina. They give you this much money for each child. It's it's I don't know how people live on it, you know,

[Supdaily]:

Can

[peter]:

but

[Supdaily]:

you

[peter]:

that's.

[Supdaily]:

tell me how much it is?

[peter]:

What depends on the age of the child, but it's

[Supdaily]:

Okay.

[peter]:

between between between 450 to 650, depending on the child or

[Supdaily]:

Like per

[peter]:

how

[Supdaily]:

month.

[peter]:

old per month, yes.

[Supdaily]:

What makes it if they're younger? Do you get more?

[peter]:

No, you get less.

[Supdaily]:

You get less. Okay, I guess that makes sense.

[peter]:

Yes.

[Supdaily]:

Yeah, so like even with several kids, like that's not that's not going to get you by especially with taking care of those kids.

[peter]:

No, but if you live in Colorado, you might get $1,200.

[Supdaily]:

Oh, I do live in Colorado.

[peter]:

There you

[Supdaily]:

So

[peter]:

go.

[Supdaily]:

maybe I'll look into it.

[peter]:

No, but also it's by the level. Again, it's not about money, it's by the level. If a child has more need, they call them level one, level two, therapeutic. There's some kids who can function that they have to have someone 24 hours, you know?

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

Well, they're given compensated than they compensate for. for me. But think about like my kids have to go in drama, soccer, swimming, you know, driving and all that. I mean, all that. I spend more money than I could ever get from the state because I love the kids, you know,

[Supdaily]:

Yeah.

[peter]:

and I have the resource to do so, you know, but there are some who I don't know how they do it.

[Supdaily]:

I don't know how you do it. Like how do you have like a, like you're single, like how do you date? How do you, like how do you have time for yourself? Like you obviously have to do some form of self care or some things for yourself. How do you make time when you have so many kids just kind of, it's so many different stages and like you're fostering them. Like it seems like. you wouldn't have any time for yourself at all.

[peter]:

Right, I mean, it's a full time job, but I have lunch and I have a job. I work, you know, but for me, routine, like I have my youngest is 18 and my youngest is 18 months. And my oldest is 19 months, you know, 19 years old.

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

So I've come to know how my youngest gets up early. My next to get up the next. My teenager gets up early because he has to take a bath. So each go at a different time, you know, between nine and two. There's no child at home. So that way I can go to the gym. I can go running, I can meet up for coffee, I can work, I can have phone calls, I can have car cleaning appointment or whatever you need. Like I have moments where I can do all that before the kids come home. And once the kids come home, they come at different times. Homework, play, swimming. I mean, you know, sometimes I feel like I'm more of a driver than anything else because I drop my kids here and there.

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

But you learn to manage by ways and you know. on how you really, you know, you can do it. You

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm

[peter]:

know, and I think for me, I've done it over and over that maybe it's come a little bit more natural for me, you know,

[Supdaily]:

Yeah.

[peter]:

to have five kids and know, hey.

[Supdaily]:

It's just your reality at this point. Like you've done it so many times, but it just

[peter]:

Ruh.

[Supdaily]:

seems like, it seems like it's got to be a lot sometimes.

[peter]:

Yes, dating? That I don't know, you know, because you

[Supdaily]:

Whatting?

[peter]:

again, dating, I

[Supdaily]:

What's

[peter]:

said, I say dating will

[Supdaily]:

Dating,

[peter]:

be impossible. Yes,

[Supdaily]:

yeah.

[peter]:

that will be impossible too. Because one, you know, you want to date even someone who has has a heart for what you're all about, you

[Supdaily]:

Yeah.

[peter]:

know. And time too, you know, there's no time. And I've learned to be content in that way, like, hey, in this season, I want to be a dad, and that's what I'm going to do, and I'm going to give it all.

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm. So, say someone is listening to this and they're interested in getting involved with becoming a foster parent. What guidance would you give that person as they enter being a foster parent?

[peter]:

Well first, reflect on yourself.

[Supdaily]:

Hmm

[peter]:

First of all, sit down and say, okay, I would like to be a foster parent, but what trauma did I go through? What things have I not resolved that I need to work on? I think it begins with you first, because once you have the kids, they're gonna push that button and you're gonna lose your mind. So first is really sit down by yourself and think about your childhood that you've gone through. But also, you think about the things you're willing to give up. So for example, friendship, there's some friendship you're going to let go once you become a foster mom or parent. You know, opportunities. You might not be able to travel as much as you want because now you have kids. So there are things you have to really sit down and say, hmm, what am I willing to give up and what am I willing to gain in somewhere? And then from there, get to know a foster parent before you go to the agency, get to know another foster parent. You know, at least get to know who they are if you can and ask questions in that way, you're hearing from the source than what the agency will tell you, you know. And once you learn and hear, you know, and you have to be willing to also learn about trauma because every child in the foster care has trauma and you have to be willing to be trauma informed about yourself or about the kid.

[Supdaily]:

Hmm

[peter]:

And in that way, you get to know how you can be a parent because parenting a foster child, you have to parent out of the box. You can't parent them the way you parent your bio kids. You have to think out of the box. So one, you have to be willing to make sure that, hey, what are things I can do? What, you know, you're not, you know, you say you can't have LGBT teenager, but hey, most our kids are. So if they give you a child and you find out, how do you deal with that, you know? So there are so many ways on how you really have to think about yourself, your partner. You cannot, it's not something you want to do when your husband or your wife is halfway there. No, it will destroy your marriage. You'd better both be in it 100%.

[Supdaily]:

This

[peter]:

Or

[Supdaily]:

just

[peter]:

else.

[Supdaily]:

sounds like good advice for parents in general, even bio parents like need to do that work. I think like my parents are an example of breaking of generational trauma. Like they experienced so much trauma and then they themselves kind of pulled in the bridge and became an island and said, we're going to do this differently. And that stage is difficult. I know how difficult that is, but it provided me a launching pad that a lot of kids don't have.

[peter]:

Absolutely, you know, yes, you learn about yourself and say, you know, where's how you were raised? Say, no, I'm not going to do that the same way I was. And in that way, I think then from there, you take the next step. You say, do I have a home that I can, an extra bedroom, an extra bed? And two, what child would I take? A young one or an old one? And then third is you say, I'm going to research, do research before you walk into that false and to get along. And the other part is do not be swayed or do not believe in the negative of it.

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

I can say it's been a joy for me. And then the other thing is, don't go in to help the kids, go in to help yourself. I don't know how to explain that. Don't go in with expectation to help the child, but rather go in to provide a safe and loving place for the child.

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm. Why do you think so many LGBTQIA plus kids end up in the foster system?

[peter]:

Well, sometimes I think they are rejected by their own family, you know? So by the time they come in the false care system, they already had a bias from their parents. So they don't do any work to have them back. They're like, I'm done with you. I don't want anything to do with you. But two, sometimes they move from home to home. Once some families find out like, hey, you know, this kid is LGBT, they're like, no, I don't want to have that child. And then they move to the next house and then the next house and the next house. And it's just endless that they get to have the worst sometimes than the regular kids.

[Supdaily]:

I think that's yeah, just common bio kids are not. Yeah, it's, I was really heavily involved with LGBT advocacy on my YouTube channel for a long time. And I just heard that story over and over again. And one of my most viral videos was this kid, it was like, my God hates me, my parents hate me. My life is so messed up and I don't know where to go. And even if I admit publicly that this is happening, that I am a gay person, there's a possibility of me dying. you know, someone might try and kill me. And it's just like a reality that's, that, that sort of trauma, I'm sure, has to come with some of these kids that end up in your care who are LGBT.

[peter]:

I mean, absolutely. That you have to love the child as who they are. Not

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

what

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

you want them to be, but who they are. And I would say, yes, some kids, you know, they feel that way. I mean, in the homes where they know they are unwanted and they just suppress it. And then they do the other bad things, you know? So there are ways you can learn how to truly, you know, be there for these kids.

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

If you can't, you know, there's not really need to

[Supdaily]:

Just

[peter]:

go in there.

[Supdaily]:

do your self work before you get involved with this. Understand

[peter]:

correct.

[Supdaily]:

yourself, because

[peter]:

Of

[Supdaily]:

if you're gonna

[peter]:

course.

[Supdaily]:

be giving guidance, make sure it's coming from an informed place, not a place of trauma or projection.

[peter]:

Absolutely and and the key and the other part is you're not doing a favor to the child You know like you're not doing them a favor But you are willing to give your life to provide a safe and loving home for the child So the expectation have to be really low for you to go there So you better seek yourself you better really think through of what you're going to get and two is both ways It's not I'm just giving the child but you're gaining as well You know, I thought I was patient but I've learnt how patient means, you know, I thought I was laughing to love unconditionally. So there are ways that you're going to benefit for you as a parent as you learn through the process.

[Supdaily]:

Oh, dropping bodies over there. I have a few questions for my Patreon people. Are you okay answering a few more questions?

[peter]:

Yes.

[Supdaily]:

Again, patreon.com slash unfiltered friends. If you want to support the podcast or ask questions. Um, one of the questions, it looks like we answered a lot of the questions. Do you feel the foster care? Okay. This one is from Sean says, how do you feel? How do you, what are, how do you feel the foster? system fails or succeeds more often.

[peter]:

Hmm, how do I think? I mean, most of them it fails, you know? Here's why, I think sometimes we give so much opportunity to the bio parents that by the time it's done and done, it's too late. You know, so you have a kid who's been waiting to go home. I mean, I'm that example. I have kids I've had for three years and somehow we're waiting for mom to get better. Every time we have court date, things change, you know? But in the long, long the way, I could easily get frustrated. I'm like, I'm done, you know? And then the kids move to a different family and then that's a different trauma. Or sometimes I feel like, you know, the forced racism takes so long that by the time it's all done, it's... it's caused more harm to kids than they have helped. That's my opinion. So then whichever way they go, it's gonna be a bad situation because, there was more damage done during the process.

[Supdaily]:

Yeah, Mary asks, so you talked about how majority of the people who are foster parents are white parents and you see all those stories about white parents adopting black kids and there's going to be some cultural things that like as a white parent they're not going to understand about adopting a black child. You have adopted as a black man a lot of white children. Did you find any sort of struggle as a much different culture than these kids connecting, or is it not quite the same as the other way around?

[peter]:

I mean, I've had both white and black kids. It's so different. So he's a different. With black kids, I spend more time finding for them on the racial issues at school and how they were treated or sometimes how teachers really did some things for them. So that was an issue, but I didn't have to deal with myself because I was part of them. But with my white kids, it's different. There's less of that, but there's more of me as the black. Does it make sense? I am more the problem or the one who's learning more about myself and constantly teaching my kids because my kids get angry when people ask them like, why he's my dad, you know, or when they question anything. So there's more of me explaining myself and teaching my kids about my, my, my background, where I come from, what I do, how I. do it and how the life I live. So it's more educational to my kids and their friends than it was with my black kids. My black kids was more of me fighting for them. So they are accepted and treated well wherever they were. So it's different. I'm a runner. I can't run at night, but I take my kids with me because I am safe with them. Does

[Supdaily]:

Oh,

[peter]:

it make

[Supdaily]:

God.

[peter]:

sense?

[Supdaily]:

Yeah, it's disgusting is what it is. Like that

[peter]:

I know.

[Supdaily]:

like you just basically said, oh, this country is racist, which is not something that is foreign to me. Like, I'm very aware of that. That's like it's like frustrating to hear, but I can imagine it's like 10 times more frustrating to experience.

[peter]:

Right, you know, every time we walk out of my house, I'm a different dad. I'm no longer just a dad. I'm Black dad. So how I'm seen, how I'm viewed, you know, the same with my kids. Once they walk out of this, you know, my neighbors love them. But me, they've been to my neighbors more than I have because I. They can walk in, I can't, do the same, you know. So to learn our positions, but also to, I think my kids are more aware of the world of how they see their dad because they watch it happen. They hear it, and in some way they have a better understanding. all that and that's why I wrote my book Now I'm Known. I wanted to show how I beat the arts, you know, like really how I managed to overcome trauma but also how I managed to be able to really do the best I can, you know, and I wrote it for most people who have gone through a difficult time they think man I had a different childhood there's nothing I can do and for me I wanted to say no don't let the past define you like

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

no no no no no no do not do not give an opportunity for the past it as a foundation to do better for yourself and others as well.

[Supdaily]:

The book is called Now I Am Known?

[peter]:

Yes,

[Supdaily]:

Yes.

[peter]:

now I'm known. How to make others known, because that's what he did for me. He made me known when no one knew who I was. And that's my goal in life. I want others to be known in some way. And so I wrote it for my kids so they can, they love their dad. But somehow I wanted to say, you love your dad, but he had to overcome so much to be here.

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

You can do the same as well.

[Supdaily]:

In your experience, how are white kids and black kids treated differently in the foster care system?

[peter]:

Mm-hmm

[Supdaily]:

It's a tough question, I know.

[peter]:

Yeah, it's a tough question because, you know, so he's way tough because there's more white kids in the foreskin than white kids. Remember? So there's 44% white kids

[Supdaily]:

Hmm.

[peter]:

and 23 black kids. So you

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

see there's a difference. But also the difference is there's more white foster families than there are black families. So the ratio is so low that they, you know, we can't find every family to take in the kids that relate or match their families. So I think four. For black kids, I think it's hard when you're putting a white family that has never lived your culture and

[Supdaily]:

Hmm.

[peter]:

they're the ones to parent you and they are putting you in a school that you don't fit, that you're taken away from the culture or the families you know, that that adds more trauma, I would say. I would say that adds a little bit more trauma because now you're more in another environment. You have to learn, you have to adjust. Not only are you adjusting to a new family, but everything about them that they... They have to think through and say, do I fit here? Can

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

I? And also the other, I think the negative part too, is some false parents not willing to go the extra mile to learn about the culture of their kids. If you go to church and your kids are the only black kids and everyone else is white, it's like, if I was you, I would look for a church where my kids can see people who look like them.

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm. Why is that so important?

[peter]:

Because it's important for every child to really embrace who they are and to feel that they can see themselves. We see, as I said, I was never a false parent because I never seen a black person who was a false parent, never.

[Supdaily]:

Mm-hmm.

[peter]:

So because I didn't see, I didn't try to, and that's the issue. with our kids too, we want to give them an opportunity to be in a place where they can see a teacher who looks like them, a friend who looks like them, your friend who is different but loves you. The more they get to see, that's how we create good role models to our kids, by showing them what it's like or what should be in some way.

[Supdaily]:

You see a lot of that now with a lot of Disney films starting to diversify the types of people you put on there. You see these kids that see someone who looks like them from these Disney movies, and you just watch them light up because they can identify with the person that they're seeing on their screen. So I'm assuming there's like an aspect of that too

[peter]:

Right,

[Supdaily]:

with

[peter]:

belonging.

[Supdaily]:

being.

[peter]:

You belong when you see someone who looks like you. Like you belong there, you know? You feel you're part of that. You're proud, you're pride in you. You know, energy all about you changes when you see yourself in someone else's.

[Supdaily]:

Yeah. So if someone is inspired by you and wants to reach out to you, where's the best place for them to do that? Or are you even available? Maybe like don't talk to him. Don't

[peter]:

Ha!

[Supdaily]:

talk. Leave him alone. He just wrote a book. Go buy the book.

[peter]:

Well, one, they can go, force a death flipper. You know, that's my handle on, you know, oh, now I'm known foundation. This is where you can, you know, get to know what we do. You know, why I help teenagers and how I help poor spirits and other families as well. You know, but two, yes, buy the book in some way. When you buy the book, it helps me to truly help more kids. But you get to see how I beat the odds, how we can help you or help someone else.

[Supdaily]:

Oh, you've given this pitch before I can tell. I was like, wow, that was really wrapped up nicely in a bow. You're a pro, man. Congrats. Well, thank you for being on on Filter friends. I'm very excited to share this. Your story is impressive. You're impressive. And I'm really glad to know you. You're a great guy.

[peter]:

You too, and we're grateful. I love the way you include. I've never felt comfortable by just the way you ask questions, the way you bring me in, and the more you wanna know more about me. That's really cool.

[Supdaily]:

Yeah!

[peter]:

And I'm sure your viewers feel the same way, on

[Supdaily]:

Yeah.

[peter]:

how you think of them and how you bring them. And we appreciate you so much.

[Supdaily]:

Yeah, well hopefully we get to stay friends and I wanna keep learning about what you do.

[peter]:

Please, please.

[Supdaily]:

Alright, stay with me.